I couldn’t tell that he was hiding behind a mask. I couldn’t tell that he was hiding behind the texting screen and still feeling lousy. I couldn’t tell that he is putting on a pretence, that everything is fine, and feelings are normal.
I am such a bad girlfriend. I know communication is key, but I assume everything is good when I am good. This is ultimate stupidity to the next level. Am I really taking advantage of his love, and wearing him down of it? Am I ignoring his feelings just because I don’t see it?
I have done him so much wrong. This trip to Taiwan, I am constantly thinking about him. Wondering what to buy for him, wondering what to get for his family... then I remembered I needed to buy for my Ahma and my fam too. Just thinking is not enough for sure. I need to show it. But stupid me is keeping things to myself.
Why did I not call him up when I reached the hotel? Why did I forget that I told him I would try to call? Why am I so scared of how others view me? I realised by texting relentlessly, it has already affected the opinion of others. But why did I still not take the initiative to call? Why am I not interested in what is happening back at home? Why am I so damn dumb, to realise the good in front of me, and not cherish it the way I should?
I don’t ever want to let him go. But yet I am moulding him towards what I want. My mood swings. My on and off feelings. Bringing him up for a moment and then send him crashing down the next. This rollercoaster has got to go. Its causing us too much harm. Way too much. And I will definitely regret the moment it moves downhill and crashes into hell.
Its time to wake up from my own world. Time is not going to wait for anyone. People are not going to be there forever. Good things will never last forever. If we know that we are right for each other, then why am I not putting in the proper effort to maintain and sustain and to bring it further? We really really love each other. But love isn’t going to make things happen just by dreaming about it. I need to act on it.
Self-centred me is crazy. Its ruining everyone around me. Its causing so much lost opportunities. Its wearing out the ones closest to me. Things do not revolve around me and life goes on. My issues aren’t the most major. My issues are nothing compared to what everyone is going through. I am not being the supportive person he wants to be with. I am not making myself available to him because I closed those doors and got caught up in a whirlwind of work. And these would eventually make him lose more trust and faith in me that I will no longer be the exclusive person whom he can confide in.
His dad asked me for 3 reasons why I love Ryan.
1) He cares a lot about me and sacrifices so much for me
2) He has the same ideas, thoughts, and core values as me: being family centred
3) He is responsible, towards me, his work, and his family
All these conflicts we are having these days have made me forget why I chose him, and why I fell for him. I feel burdened and guilty. Why can’t I provide the same for him as he does for me? In this relationship, have I only been thinking I am the perfect one?
OMG I seriously can’t believe myself... i need a brand new mindset, to be a person that puts others in front of myself.
OMG I seriously can’t believe myself... i need a brand new mindset, to be a person that puts others in front of myself.
Arghhhhhh. SELFISH SELFISH SELFISH
T_T