*inserts Deep in thought emoji*

So what made me write this post... Because i need to write some gossip!! Ohwell not like anyone sees this so i'm safe here hehe. 

It all started off with this message from lijing...

And THAT totally set me thinking. Who is next?

The possibe list of guys start flashing in mind, probably someone whom I have known for many years, and maybe its the someone who once told me that he liked lijing... Of course my radar picked up and I tried to probe further about who it was, and whether I know him. And of course she shunned it by saying which of her crushes did I ever knew on a personal level. 

Then came this message. 

Now who will bring his future gf to hang out with "US". "US" meaning the clique, and this is part of the group convo, so I am most likely belonging in the "US" as well. And that "future gf" in question might be part of that clique all along. 

Last clue would be this message:

Guess who is the crush? 

Tadahhhh I'm guessing its KK!~ 

And I am the possible candidate (a very not intimidating one) of being the "love rival"! But in fact I am all for shipping KK and lijing, since I kinda feel they have been 暧昧 for yearsssss, with none of them ever facing the courage to tell it to each other. Like a tom and jerry kind of chasing each orher around a bush. 

I really don't have anything to do with KK. He is just a good friend whose life is rather interconnected with me. Back in the poly years, he was just the "boyfriend" of another close poly friend (lasted less than 6 months Shhhhh). I think it was through MSN or something, that he confessed he liked lijing? Or was it something along the lines that he liked girls who are petite, rather vocal etc? Coz the ex and lijing are plenty much similar. Even just with their names. Hehehe

Of course lijing is not going to divulge any further. I have always had this nagging thought everytime when I talk to KK, to ask him whether he still likes lijing. But I never messaged him beyond our gatherings, and never had a chance to personally ask him that face to face, since we were always in a clique. 

During one of the gatherings, Erica forced him to divulge about his love interests. There was this korean girl, exchange school mate, etc. But what really is memorable for me, is the 3rd or 4th person whom he avoided mentioning, sounded like lijing's traits. Now that I think of it, that gathering happened early in the year (before CNY), which possibly meant Erica might already know of lijing's feelings of him, and were just testing water. [oh and I really hate Erica's and lijing's push pull dating methods. Too much of testing whether the guy likes you, and so little 感情 and 冲动 in it. 苦了自己，苦了大家]

At this rate they are going, will KK ever get lijing? None of them are going to take the first move. Do you think if I should open up the topic and force it upon them? I am on KK's side on this. Definitely will respect his decision.

 But if it had been forced upon, they will never be happy and the friendship will be broken. Which means it is a really tough choice... 

Back to the starting point. It's best to follow with the flow of nature and fate. Let's just see how it goes, and wish them the best of luck in whatever the decision!~ 

Gut feel

Its the year of the chicken (rooster)! Today is the 4th day of the new lunar year!~ 

Nowadays my gut feeling quite strong and zhun. It scares me sometimes. Like 初二 when I was playing mahjong, i had a passing thought that I will get a 一条， but I dismissed it and threw away my 二条. And lo and behold, the next turn I got a 一条. Otherwise I could have won that round. 

My gut tells me to play more mahjong, so I have been asking people to play mahjong with me, but they have been rejecting me 0.o And based on 初二 mahjong with the cousins, my luck was not too bad since I hardly manage to game in the past. I only lost like $1.20, very willingly to Yida. But that last round I could have almost won, with 半色 and 满台. Ohwells it wasn't all too bad. 

I still wanna play more though! 

At this rate of my gut feel working its magic, I hope that feeling comes back again when I meet my Mr Right. Then only I know that he is right. And then I can work towards it. For now, I am pretty sure that Mr Right has not appeared. I sincerely hope it happens this year! With me being so tired of being single...

Anyone has intros? Or recommendations to how I can look for the one? Like Tinder or Paktor?! Will NDP work its magic again? Or the surewin situation will be to try all.

Dayum its going to be another hard year. For now lets just pray for 工作顺利， 身体健康， 有缘人再相见 ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ

2017 first thoughts

Its officially 2017! And if I dig up my last year's new year resolutions, I am pretty sure I haven't accomplished a single one! 

Acquaintances (aka FB friends and mutual friends) are doing good deeds, going far in their jobs, falling in love, getting married, travelling the world, BFFs... basically embracing their lives at their finest. Meanwhile, sourgrape me will identify myself the most with the lonely memes and #ForeverAlone club. 

Getting more and more pessimistic about life, that I no longer know what I need to continue life with. I need more purpose, and I want that purpose to be my better half, but then again to find my better half I need to get myself out of this fix first. And to get out of this fix I need time. And lots of re-learning to do. And a lot more encouragement and motivation. Which I can't seem to find around. So vicious cycle and back to a square one. 

Not wanting to be this sour, but I guess everyone's lives will spin at different speeds~ People come and go, but I don't seem to cherish them enough and many left me for good. Ohwell, to each their own and may everyone's dreams come true! 

(This is not a suicidal post; its just a rant-ful sourish post, from the no-purpose me)

Maybe I should quit social media, since that's where my source of sourness comes from hmmmm... 

Edit: I realised the only new year resolution I wrote last year was to stop being nagged at, and true enough I still get nagged XD

Placebo yo. Nothing changed. This is really bad. 

Friendships, moving backwards

I have a lot of friends; but time and time again I push them all away. Its just that I don't prioritise them first. Somehow I live for the memories, but I neglect the people in these memories. 

I never initiated anything, and if I do its actually for my own selfish reasons because I don't wanna be alone. One day retribution will definitely come when I can no longer find anyone around me... 

I need to stop being so self-centred. My friends all have a life and they do not revolve around me. I need to stop being so afraid of commitment. I can bury myself into work, but I can't manage to do the same for my friends. 

Both work and friendship requires time to nurture and maintain. But it just seems I can only manage with just 1 of the 2. Family is somewhat different because all I need to do is just be present. When it comes to friends, attendance is not enough. So much more thought and communication is needed. Appreciation is required as well, and I am a wooden block when it comes to this. 

Sudden realisation that I am in HK and I have no friends to buy anything for. Until my sis reminded me that I need to buy for Rachelle then i realised that I am very bad that I didn't get anything for anyone. I was like "I have no friends, only a bunch of forever hungry colleagues that I definitely need to bribe". And that's it. Another selfish motive. 

Now is it too late to turn back to get more goodies for my friends who I never know when I will meet... Sigh. Its really hard to manage time :( 

为何

为什么你又出现在我人生之中…… 去年我开始喜欢你，但我过后放下了。可是你最近又突然间开始和我聊天，这次我该怎么办！ 

明知道 我这头脑，最善长的就是胡思乱想，你又在接近我考试的时候出现… 好啦 这下子我就不能专心啦 (¬_¬)

整天又只是想着恋爱，什么别的都忽略了吧。哎… 

也许我应该改行去写作，把我脑海中的那些超不可能的爱情故事写出来。那可能我就不会一直放空。全都是我想和爱人做的事 （我说是很单纯的拥抱之类的）。哈哈。

这样吗，我以后的男朋友不是有的忙了？因为他得满足我这快25年 累计下的要求… （爆笑）

Work rants

 I don't rant about work usually, but I guess I am feeling really stressed out nowadays. There's so much to do but so little time. And i am not a fast worker, so i have no idea how I can pull this through... 

Chances are, i will default. Its not easy to need to study and work at the same time okay... whats more when there is this new BPO client. Which none of the 5 of us want to do since there are soooo much manual processing involved. Sighpie. I knew that work isn't going too well but i never expected it to get this bad. 

If only going on leave would mean that I am totally out and away from the shit that happens. I want to run away. Away from responsibilities, away from civilisation, away from all the stressful things. And just be a couch potato. 

Future seems bleak. The only highlight in my life is the upcoming holiday to Hong Kong, then it will be a non-stop marathon until at least April... 

***

It's the season of joy, fun, laughter and love now. Me jelly of everyone's love life. Brcause media brainwashed me and there seems to be too many celebrity couples. And when I see more celeb couples (ok drama couples are also damn sweet), I yearn for someone to be beside me too. Where thou art soulmate?

Celebrities are my basis of comparison now since i don't have that many attached friends. HAHAHAHA. I swear if one day all my single friends ask along all their single friends for some party, there will at least be one person who will walk away attached HAHA. Its called combining and expanding a pool of resources. But it is a good idea I think. Feels like back in the old days where everyone meets each other through friend of a friend. Mutual friends seems like the way to go. I have no faith in Tinder either, since I don't have the face to begin with. 

Ok back to being random, I wanna watch Infinity Challenge. HAHAHAHAHA. That is the only most achievable thing. 

Unachievable things: 

- finishing my work backlog

- in fact any form of work

- studying for BG

- get a boyfriend

WOW at the list. I'm sure it can go on forever.

SIGHHHHHHHHHHH 

To express what I feel with my life:

┻━┻︵╰(‵□′)╯︵┻━┻

Not just looks on the surface

When everyone says that this so and so person is handsome or pretty, I will be quite skeptical and be like ermmm ok la. Meaning, to me, he just doesn't interest me at all. Maybe thats why I will always choose dramas for the plot and less for the actors. But then again I hardly watch dramas. Other than whatever appears on tv. Somehow it just doesn't have the same effect on me. 

For me, I will only think that a person is handsome because of their talents. I am a sucker for talents. Anyone who knows more than what they specialise in, I will be like (☆_☆) Say Kim Soo Hyun, he is super goodlooking because in dream high he can act AND sing. And his voice is so awesome thats why. And after that I didn't watch his dramas because there's no more singing involved HAHA. 

As for Block B, its because Zico not only raps, but he can sing, compose, write music, be a leader of Block B, do variety shows... Totally all sorts of daebak things. A perfect idol ❤️ Plus, he is super daring in experimenting and exploring new styles :) 

U-kwon... I fell in love with his voice. He is known to be a dancer for Block B, but his voice is just perfect. He is good with his facial expressions which really adds colour to his song/dance. And most importantly, that eye smile *faints* 

For taiwanese bands, I love their singing more than their looks. Its all for the songs and their voices. 

 I guess my brain is just wired really differently. Or my tastes are not so strong hmm...