Judged

I am forever wary of getting judged, but I apply this in such a bad way. I am afraid of being judged by random passers-by. But I go all crazy and get judged the most by people who actually know me. That doesn't sound good. 

So I am afraid to sing in public. Or imitate accents in public. But I will do all these when I am alone. Talk about being a good sport. So I end up kindly rejecting all those crazy things that my friends want to do and I am not following. I totally have no idea how this brain of mine works. Seriously why should I care so much about what people I don't know think; and then don't even care about what all those people I know are thinking about me? 太自卑了吧

Forever doing the wrong things. Lack of care in things which I should be caring about. And caring so much about all the small matters which noone can be bothered about. At this rate which I play with fire, nothing good is going to come out of it. I need to start getting some extinguishers in case anything bad happens. Luck can only bring me this far. If my lady luck stopped shining, how far will I fall? Will I even be able to pick myself up by then? The day lady luck stops shining, I highly doubt I will have a lot of people around to support me. Because in a way, I deserved it. I take everyone for granted, almost to the extent of using them. But I really don't mean it. 

I never was a expressive person. So very bad at expressing gratitude and love. Words are fine. But any act of it or spoken words, I somehow can never bring myself to do it. Deep down in my heart, I really appreciate everyone and all their intentions. But me being me, I would never show it. Like how I sometimes accidentally end up trampling on a friend, making them angry, when all I wanted was to break the ice and make them feel loved. Or if I do take the interest, I end up going overboard and leave them feeling breathless and constricted. Somehow there never was an "in between" range for all that I do. Self-centred, self-absorbed, careless, tactless. 

It takes a lot of effort for someone to make me warm up to. And it only takes a fraction of a second for things to go back to when it started. Strangers. All over again. Though I prefer to call them acquaintances whom I know only at a certain point of time, but the fact is all too clear; they are now strangers. Strangers whom I happen to know exactly what they are doing, how their life is going, who they see and meet. It's called social media - Facebook and Instagram. 

I still don't initiate the "Let's meet up soon!" As usual, I still wait for someone to ask me to go out. Apparently this very much shows how much they value me as a friend, and how little I actually think of them. Yes I do miss them, like how I miss my NDP peeps, but I still am not the one who makes impromptu decisions and suggest for meetups. Very much unpopular, as I know my 人缘 is just terrible. When I suggest meetups, plans will never happen, last minute withdrawals will be aplenty, and therefore no meetup ever happens. Very much true for all those bigass groups of friends.  Kinda gave up on this. Hates to coordinate. 

I have new friends now. I am going to try really really hard to make sure I don't go overboard. After all, I am a lonely soul. Lack of social interaction skills. When I am high, I go all crazy like some madwoman, which totally turns everyone off. But then if I am not high, I would be that quiet, unapproachable girl. Not friendly, and will end up saying the wrong things. Again. Of course it doesn't help that I am always nosy and stalker-ish... 

Where is self-control? What are feelings? Everyone should only be Joy right? Sadness shouldn't even exist. 人不都应该走一步算一步， 得过且过吧？

但事实永远不是如此。

I really have sucha screwed character.