Friendships, moving backwards

I have a lot of friends; but time and time again I push them all away. Its just that I don't prioritise them first. Somehow I live for the memories, but I neglect the people in these memories. 

I never initiated anything, and if I do its actually for my own selfish reasons because I don't wanna be alone. One day retribution will definitely come when I can no longer find anyone around me... 

I need to stop being so self-centred. My friends all have a life and they do not revolve around me. I need to stop being so afraid of commitment. I can bury myself into work, but I can't manage to do the same for my friends. 

Both work and friendship requires time to nurture and maintain. But it just seems I can only manage with just 1 of the 2. Family is somewhat different because all I need to do is just be present. When it comes to friends, attendance is not enough. So much more thought and communication is needed. Appreciation is required as well, and I am a wooden block when it comes to this. 

Sudden realisation that I am in HK and I have no friends to buy anything for. Until my sis reminded me that I need to buy for Rachelle then i realised that I am very bad that I didn't get anything for anyone. I was like "I have no friends, only a bunch of forever hungry colleagues that I definitely need to bribe". And that's it. Another selfish motive. 

Now is it too late to turn back to get more goodies for my friends who I never know when I will meet... Sigh. Its really hard to manage time :( 

为何

为什么你又出现在我人生之中…… 去年我开始喜欢你，但我过后放下了。可是你最近又突然间开始和我聊天，这次我该怎么办！ 

明知道 我这头脑，最善长的就是胡思乱想，你又在接近我考试的时候出现… 好啦 这下子我就不能专心啦 (¬_¬)

整天又只是想着恋爱，什么别的都忽略了吧。哎… 

也许我应该改行去写作，把我脑海中的那些超不可能的爱情故事写出来。那可能我就不会一直放空。全都是我想和爱人做的事 （我说是很单纯的拥抱之类的）。哈哈。

这样吗，我以后的男朋友不是有的忙了？因为他得满足我这快25年 累计下的要求… （爆笑）

Work rants

 I don't rant about work usually, but I guess I am feeling really stressed out nowadays. There's so much to do but so little time. And i am not a fast worker, so i have no idea how I can pull this through... 

Chances are, i will default. Its not easy to need to study and work at the same time okay... whats more when there is this new BPO client. Which none of the 5 of us want to do since there are soooo much manual processing involved. Sighpie. I knew that work isn't going too well but i never expected it to get this bad. 

If only going on leave would mean that I am totally out and away from the shit that happens. I want to run away. Away from responsibilities, away from civilisation, away from all the stressful things. And just be a couch potato. 

Future seems bleak. The only highlight in my life is the upcoming holiday to Hong Kong, then it will be a non-stop marathon until at least April... 

***

It's the season of joy, fun, laughter and love now. Me jelly of everyone's love life. Brcause media brainwashed me and there seems to be too many celebrity couples. And when I see more celeb couples (ok drama couples are also damn sweet), I yearn for someone to be beside me too. Where thou art soulmate?

Celebrities are my basis of comparison now since i don't have that many attached friends. HAHAHAHA. I swear if one day all my single friends ask along all their single friends for some party, there will at least be one person who will walk away attached HAHA. Its called combining and expanding a pool of resources. But it is a good idea I think. Feels like back in the old days where everyone meets each other through friend of a friend. Mutual friends seems like the way to go. I have no faith in Tinder either, since I don't have the face to begin with. 

Ok back to being random, I wanna watch Infinity Challenge. HAHAHAHAHA. That is the only most achievable thing. 

Unachievable things: 

- finishing my work backlog

- in fact any form of work

- studying for BG

- get a boyfriend

WOW at the list. I'm sure it can go on forever.

SIGHHHHHHHHHHH 

To express what I feel with my life:

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