Insecurities

Not that there had been any disagreements or quarrels, but just randomly feeling down for no reason. And it is just a littleeee bit of negativity, which will pass~

Just the feeling that I am not good enough. Too self-centred, not listening enough, not asking him about what he likes and dislikes, not being understanding enough. Useless and lazy at so many things like chores, work and life in general. I think it might be a potential problem for us in future, because he might end up doing everything and I end up not contributing enough, and then he might feel burdened and tired and all 😟

I really need to start giving more. Start small by giving 100% attention first, since I sometimes end up switching off if its something I don’t wanna hear or feel like hearing. Like after being nagged at for too long and its easy to just switch off instead of arguing or stating a point.

Ryan, you really are an extinct dinosaur... which guy does budgeting, financial planning, household chores, cooking (or at least preparing and making food), being so selfless for family and extended family, doesnt mind chaffeuring everyone around, planning for the future and for dates, on top of staying fit and spending time with friends and family, your own interests, and so much more... How can I not feel inadequate?! I’m having trouble even doing my work properly and taking care of myself, much less to say taking care of others around me? I want to be there to help him out; I never want him to feel the burnout ever again, but sometimes I feel that I am just adding to his burden and being over-reliant on him. That gives him so much more to carry on his shoulders... and when theres too much to handle, there will be meltdowns which would be super unhappy. Sigh.

I realised that every person is like a vase. Some came with cracks more than the others. Some had been smashed but pieced back together again. Everyone would have been damaged, some more severely than the others, some unmendable, some will take forever to slowly piece it back. Ryan says he was once depressed and distant at some point of time. Which means the cracklines has already been formed, and too much provocation could deepen the cracklines and shatter him. While I hope to be the glue to mend his cracks, and never to be the destroyer that breaks him. But what if I accidentally and unintentionally drive him up the wall, so much that the cracklines start re-appearing and a damaged soul resurfaces? It would be so much harder to piece him back by then...

Unnecessary worries and thinking too much. I think I lack the confidence in myself. Feeling loved, but yet insecure, by being his choice. What if the feelings fade? What if I am never as good as i seemed? What if I become too boring and not understanding enough? So many what ifs, so unhealthy for my mind. I am that plain-looking vase which had been sitting in that corner spot, so afraid of taking risks for fear of falling, and never wanting to become an attractive vase. There are hardly any cracks on my surface, but I am just an unsightly vase in that unlikely corner, just remaining at status quo.

Thank you Ryan for picking this vase that is not eye-catching at all. Thanks for always giving me the assurance I need, for standing by me, and being gentle with me. Do not ever ever change yourself just because of things I have said in my blog, and do not ever ever neglect your own feelings for mine. I may be plain, but I am a lot stronger than I look.


Self reminder: “Love is a choice.”

There will be days that we might be unhappy about each other, but the decision lies within to always look toward one another, and find reasons why we chose each other in the very beginning.

And so I will continue to document what I love about Ryan, just in case I forget my beginnings and the first decisions I had made.