Conflicted

I really dont know what I am feeling. Its just a mix of so many emotions, there is almost no way to separate it into its different compartments. Upset, anger, sadness, loved, happiness, bliss, worried, guilty, selfishness, selflessness, independence, clingy... and it all just arises from 1 act. Which is him delivering dinner from his house to Raffles and to my house, and then back home again.

Here I am feeling all these emotions all at once. The act itself gives me so much happiness, bliss and love, but also because of him having to travel all the way down from far away makes me feel guilty, then worried if he will have enough to eat and sleep, anger and sadness at myself for being a burden, selfish and clingy thoughts coz a tiny part of him still wants him to do the same again one day, but rational me tells me to be independent and selfless to give him enough freedom to do what he wants. And I am terribly stuck in a spot, and is so affected by it that I practicallt stayed silent the entire phone call.

I am not used to having someone treat me so well. Helplessly wondering what else can i do in return, but then love is not a race that we have to win each other in. So many things holding me back, yet so many things that I want to push for too. Being on the receiving end, and always not knowing what should my next action be. Thanks is never enough, and sorries is not enough either.

To be honest, its not just the matter of today’s dinner episode. But its also because of what he told me yesterday, of what his parents didn’t like about our relationship. I am never a rebel; I  can’t just heck their thoughts and continue like what I always do. To a certain extent I will be affected by their words, but I will listen, and adjust accordingly. I don’t want to be putting him in a spot, or forcing him to choose between me or his parents. That is absolute nonsense. But seeing him sandwiched between both parties, I feel the pain on his behalf, but I perfectly understand where his parents are coming from too.

Having to take everyone’s thoughts and feelings into consideration, society’s social norms and way of thoughts, keeping up to an expected image, becoming the expectation that others have of me... So many things pulling me in all the different directions, tearing me apart slowly, and there’s me trying to protect the original me, but yet unknowingly taking a side only to be pulled to tbe other end again.

So should I continue to follow my heart? I think my heart knows best. For sure Ryan is my one and only, and all these is just part and parcel of life. My heart tells me, anything with Ryan will be the bestest place. With care and concern towards Ryan, then will such feelings and thoughts surface.

Now back to my de facto mode. Time to get a good sleep, forget about my worries and stress, then back to the usual me. The one who believes that staying optimistic trumps everything. That nothing cannot be cured with just some time. That happiness is the way of life, and bring joy to everyone around amidst chaos and uncertainty.