😭😭😭😭😭😭

Too many thoughts in my head. But the title is what I feel. Even though I don't physically cry, I cry in my heart. Which is actually worse right.  I need release. I need to find back the happy me. But will I really welcome the happy me back with open arms? I'm seeking for change. Change in the way I think, mostly. I have to change. And these changes are bringing out the worse in me, not the better me.

I realised I had shut everyone out previously. Keeping people away has made me a slightly more happy person. I did not give a care to the world, I didn't realise that the ppl around me were slowly changing. By the time I realised, which is just recently these few months, everyone is already far ahead. I gave myself the excuse that I was a late bloomer, and things I want and hope for will naturally fall in place. All these fantasies kept my head high up in the clouds such that the fall down to earth was much harder. And here I am, trying hard to keep up,while using more rational sense and logics rather than relying on fairy tale stories.

Sad isn't it? I hope it's not too late that I realised it. Perhaps i should be more proactive and converse more, but that wouldn't be me huh. I feel really sorry. Sorry to those people whom I had unintentionally shut out. Sorry that I even had the thought that you guys are randomly weird. It's me who is the weird one, not you.

Yes, I realised what loneliness is like. I think back on the days of my secondary school, where I had fun disturbing my juniors and friends from other classes, oh so nonchalant about what my friends actually thought of me. In fact, I dismissed off their comments without giving it any thought (It was an unreliable source too). Contrasting it with the me now, I only know how to spend my non-school hours watching tv, studying (abit), and sleeping. I became a high self-monitor, giving more weightage to the norms and social situations, feeling more amd more out of place even when i'm in a crowd. I started to feel that it takes too much effort to talk with my friends. I never know what kind of topic they were discussing. I gave up bonding with anyone.

I never quite got the idea of eye candy. I feel that it's rude to stare. Especially at a stranger's face. Staring at their back or side isn't so bad. They won't know that anyone is looking. And adding my poor memory and my bad eyesight, I tend not to observe my surroundings. So I end up feeling way more lost when my friends start discussing about people. But you can also say that i am attentive in class :)

Ok back to me not talking. This is like the nth time I write about my poor speaking abilities. And mind you it's really the speaking ability and not that I can't express myself with words. Or maybe not the speaking ability but me being unable to stare at a friend's face for too long too. So social media has really destroyed me. People are having their heart talk face to face, while I do it on MSN or whatsapp  in the wee hours. I also know that words can kill. So I tend to rephrase and restructure my words many times over. And technology has definitely made it easier to edit my own words. But I can't do the editing so many times over in the spoken context, making me even more unwilling to speak. Or perhaps it's the fear of speaking stemming from me always saying the wrong things and getting stared down by society.

Whatever it is, i can't avoid the fact that I need to change. For the better.

PS Hi to the person who linked to my blog from my fb. Idk whether I know you, and I do not know whether u actually know me.  It might be good if someone reads my posts and want to actively try to help me in real life. If so, I thank you in advance.

Couple

Chances of them being together and for long are high.

Yes jia yi is here to predict the future ^^

Should i continue to believe in the impossible or should i take the bull with its horns now?

Butttt i'm so curious now about how events are going to unfold!

Ohno more friends as couples means more feelings of loneliness. Poor me. But what if LJ's worst fears become true as well? Ohno ohno ohno

And i'm liking my blog dead :) in the sense that noone ever reads it~

Phantom - Come as you are

Phantom - Come As You Are

New release today! (or more like yesterday)
<3

Lyrics are mainly about how the guys like their girls plain, without makeup and exaggerated forms of dressing. So ladies, just be yourself :)

Horoscope - Virgo!

【处女座】
1、敏感多疑。喜欢胡思乱想，爱钻牛角尖。
2、冷静。即使内心起伏再大也十分理智冷静。
3、害怕失去。总表现得不冷不热让人难以靠近。
4、死要面子爱逞强。即使伤心也表现得十分强势。
5、缺乏耐心有点小自私。讨厌等人自己又爱迟到。
6、傻傻爱着他、帮他做很多事，即使对方不爱自己。
7、追求完美。任何事情都希望做到最好。
8、爱较真。关键时刻敷衍了事，在他身上起不到任何作用。
9、内心温和善良，会一直坚守在朋友爱人身边。

Only the chinese horoscopes are more accurate HAHAHAHA

Oh so true~
When reading point 5 I was like that's not true. but the 2nd sentence in point 5 i really LOL-ed. Love being late and dislike waiting for others :D

Yeah and that stay calm, keep cool image. But lots of things are happening internally that noone knows. 

I like no9. Kind, and will stand by my friends and family~

Chingus

To all my chingu, u have made my day today ^^ it has been good and funny~ all those tweets and whatsapp msgs really are jjang. <3

Hope tmr will be a good day too!~

Stomach aches

Somehow it feels like my stomach that hurts when its my heart T_T
Should i happy or not? He's my friend, and she's my friend too. Both are good friends... And obviously i'm the middle man again.

Too tired of this. Too tired of being the middleman. When will it ever be my turn to be the lead? *le sigh* and keep sighing... Waiting doesn't seem to lead me anywhere.

So do i hope that his confession will fail and she rejects him? Or do i hope that he and she gets together, and poor me forever stuck in the middle? Hais. Why oh why does things work like that.

There's a limit to the jealousy and envy that 1 can tolerate. I know its the age where people get together, had lasted for a long time, and perhaps a few years down the road it'll be all the pretty weddings.

I seriously hope I won't be the only one left on the shelf, unappealing and rotting, when all those around me, though imperfect, get handpicked and living happily ever after...

I should start investing my trust, and hope for better returns. But what is a reliable investment? Such a difficult question.

I need some release. Any sad videos for me to cry with? 😥

Virgo Star Sign

6.【处女座】

揭下面具以后的处女座处事冷静、沉着、内敛、稳重；容不得别人的背叛，对背叛自己的人绝不原谅，对敌人下手狠毒，冷血至及。 面具下：多疑、没安全感。他们用情至深，在爱上一个人之后是绝对不会轻言放弃的。但他们只会默默的爱着，悲情暗恋者的典范；内心其实非常的脆弱，非常敏感。

处女座谈感情理性居多，并不是欠缺热情，而是同理心强的他们好像每天在写考卷，明明现在很想你，又怕你在忙所以就没打电话了。明明病的头顶冒烟，怕你陪她太累就告诉你病快好了。谨慎的经营爱情，自我要求不能无理取闹，出发点不自私但让对方无法感受被需要。

处女座很害怕孤单 。处女座懂得浪漫 幻想 。处女座人细心 温柔 大方 善良。处女座很讨厌别人骗他。处女座常常被人说是忽冷忽热。处女座常常让人觉得他们闷闷不乐。处女座对陌生人无视,对不熟的人外热内冷。处女座是不用对别人放电却可以将人电到的唯一星座~~

处女男，幽默，喜欢思考关注讨论人性、社会等，爱看美女，有时很懒，很多事无所谓不在乎，对未来没有明确计划。只喜欢跟有共同话题思想共鸣的人沟通，喜欢自由，不喜欢别人缠，喜欢漂亮、特别、想法比较相同、会享受生活、自主的女孩，假装不懂却把事情看的很透彻。渴望爱却不知怎么保留爱。

处女座怕工作做不好，怕给别人添麻烦这种忧虑心理也会产生一定的弱点。如喜欢钻牛角尖、烦躁、吹毛求疵，无意中引起了紧张的气氛，过多的思考与理智会限制你的视野，加剧对自我生活的控制。担心新事物的出现会打乱原有的一切秩序，并会把自己孤立起来。

Cr: facebook.com/sharing4you


This is the first ever description of a Virgo, that so accurately describes me. Can't say about the love part yet, but the rest are really accurate. After this I'm further convinced that I am a true Virgo! :D 

Perfectionist mindset. Noone can ever tell that I have a perfectionist mindset because I just don't show it. But it's in my character actually... Besides, there are manyyy things about myself I had given up on. But I do excel to be the best, if not in school then in my work. If not my appearance then in my character. I know not to demand too highly of others, but I still do demand highly of myself. I do think that once I put my heart into something, I will really do my best.

I believe in miracles. I believe in the unexpected. Perhaps too much of this beliefs make me exceptionally lazy. 

Maybe this shows why I prefer to change others but not myself. I know I am not the best to start with, but if i see others becoming even better, I genuinely feel happy. 

I like to create perfect people in my head. Perhaps that's the reason why I prefer books to drama. Because the people acting in dramas will never ever be better than those i create in my head. Expectations, as many would say. 

I like being alone, or is it because I hate to disturb others? That's why I hardly make the first move. Without a reason, I won't do it. I just feel really bad when i disturb others. Or did I already outgrew the stage of disturbing people, since thats what I did a lot in Sec sch?

My thoughts: if I was to tell anyone about what i think or feel, it usually gets processed in my head a thousand times over. So most of the time I end up chickening out and losing the courage to do it. A simple sentence can be phrased and rephrased countless times, until it makes perfect sense in a way others will not misunderstand. Yes the Virgo mind is really complicated. Especially mine. 

I'm simple on the outside. In fact, I don't take care of my appearance. I don't see the need to. That's why half the time I end up being so crazy and out of place, until I stand in front of a mirror. But once the mirror is gone, I'm back to being image-less. I'm still slowly giving myself more reasons to take care of my image more, but it's going to take a lot more time and self-persuasion in order to see the change in me. You give me a comment about myself, I'll take days, weeks or months to process it, then give myself more advantages than disadvantages, before I slowly start to change.  And the more often you give me those comments, the more I tend to ignore it and push it even further back. 

Change to me is self-realisation, not because of someone else prodding you, or insisting you to change.