September

Its not September now, but just some heartwarming summaries of what happened in September (:

Theres 3 friends who got attached in September... juwei, lijing and bern. JIANG SWEET HAHAHAHA. But erm lijing is expected, bern i know it will happen eventually, but JUWEI that is the shocking part. 

-coughs- Tinder/CMB is doing good work! (Idk if Bern's is from dating app la)

As for me... September was when i downloaded CMB and used it. Its still not working for me so far XD 

Coz some of the guys are a bit too scary, too off the bat, or something... and I only open the app like once in a day. Not a trustworthy app (because i'm scared of humans), but ok la there is 1 guy who I am still talking to as a friend la. He's abit crazy but coz we have similar interests and upbringing so its still fine. 

AND biggest takeaway of September for me might still be Jereld HAHAHA. But this guy is very hard to read, very emotional, very different from me... Ohwell lets just wait till December :) I hope we are still talking by then. -HUGS- for Jereld. Because I always have the feeling to make him less angst and emotional, but also knowing I cant do anything much because he prefers to be alone but not that alone (conflicting much), shrinks away when its too overwhelming. This is one person who needs a lot of patience, independence, pacifying. He is insecure, depressed, overachiever, perfectionist, but damn good with his words. Will I be able to break that barrier down? Or will I end up making him in a worser state than he currently is? I really dont know anymore...  

WHYYYY did i fall for him in September...

Lucky charm

I HAVE CONCLUDED: 

I BRING LUCK TO OTHERS AND NOT MUCH TO MYSELF. 

-maple reference-

Kthxbye

Me (demoralizing post ahead)

This post is going to be about all my bad points. Feeling insecure and unwanted now. That feeling that you are just the backup, that safety net thats usually not used. 

Ugly

Too tanned

Fat

Lazy

Unmotivated

Procrastinator

Self centred

Distant

Never a giver

Dreamer

Uncaring

Sarcastic

Quiet (introvert)

Unkempt

Loud

Sadistic (at times)

Ignorant

Blabbermouth

Unfeeling

Selfish

Bochup

I will never be someone's exclusive; anyone's one and only. I'll just go and build a great wall around me and not let anyone in... even though i love having people around, but I hardly manage to go beyond acquaintances with most people. I thrive on my friends who pull me out of the wall. But sometimes I wonder if they gave up in the end. I will always be that closed off unmarked territory. 

Feeling lousy with 2 hours of sleep, and work is not helping either 0.o 

"The hardest people to love, need it the most"

-nods head-

Let me try to give my outpouring love, positivity, care and concern to everyone else who needs it the most <3

Be it through small gestures, kind words, or a gentle question, let's all make this world a happier, stress-free place to live in~

-Full of positivity-

-Even CMB dates are surprised-

-sorry not sorry-

Maple BF

Because we set the date to get married in maple tonight LOLOL. Though its just for the apples that can be sold, and not for anything else XD

To Jereld,

Thank you for sharing all those things with me. You had a life full of battles, and you are still battling with your inner demons. Its because of you opening up first, thats why I'm able to share some personal stuff with you as well. You know, all those things I said, can only be found in my diaries and this no man's land blog. My friends who try to probe these information from me don't even know this. 

You have a lot of charms, but that approach on how you view people can be so negative... Its so painful to be lonely, without the warmth of your family while studying in US. But despite all the struggles you face, you never fail to help others, and even to reassure me that I will find someone who will appreciate me for who I am. Sometimes even bribing me with food for me to be a better person. 

I just want to say, THANK YOU. And don't give up on life. I will try to be there with you virtually, but there's only so much I can do. Please try to go out with your friends (guys or girls doesn't matter), stay strong, and you will definitely find someone who will love and encourage you as well! 

If only you were in Singapore, I would just get together with you, because there's hardly anyone I know whom I can make such connection with. I don't think you will want anymore LDR after the 2 relationships you had, thats why I know I can't date you either.  Let's see what happens after this December, and what happens 2 years later when you are back bah. I believe in fate, and we might each have found our respective ones even before that happens :) 

You are really such a great person and a good friend! Jinjja! Don't ever feel inferior and that you are not good enough for anyone~ 

-UPDATE- FRIENDZONED, AND I AM JUST A BRO PERHAPS. But he is still nice to talk to. Super annoying. Maple marriage has not yet happened either. I can still run while I can XD

Playing with fire

Playing with fire a bit too much? But its fun though :( 

And furthermore I know they are definitely not Mr Right, confirm will get backlashed if anything happens. But all I need is just a soulmate, not someone fanciful or rich. It just so happens that my taste in guys are not the super responsible mature adults thats all. Kinda like me. 

Reasons why I miss late night convo, where we both can "pour" our hearts out.

Adulting is hard. Why cant life be simple?

 Good night world. Its nice to find guys to chat to anyway :x 

Date #3

Because why not just use the same title as my previous post about him :P

Nakhon date at Holland V, but its really just a short dinner catch-up. 

He has inferiority complex :x Because he is short HAHAHAHAHA. Ok jokes aside, but erm how else do u explain him trying to stand on the kerb while I stand on the road? And he was being lapsup since its near his house, so he wore slippers. Maybe bad choice coz shoes actually helps to add that few cm of height... 

We had been consistently texting almost everyday since the last meetup la. Confirm he has finally got over his ex and now ready to find a new one. Not that I asked him about it, but i think i am rather good at guessing. 

Can kinda tell what kinda person he is from the way he eats. You know my plate is always clean coz I like to finish what I started, but his is just not clean at all. Shows he gives up easily, lack willpower and motivation, a bit wasteful, but at least he doesn't force himself to do things he don't like. Funny part about today is how he ordered extra white rice, but realised he was damn full before the rice came hahaha. Epic. 

But he is feeling demoralised now because he lacks a purpose in life. I can't phrase it nicely in spoken words, but here goes: 

You don't actually find purpose. Purpose comes to you when you learn to enjoy what you do, when you have a long term goal on what you want to achieve. Perhaps you were not looking for purpose, but rather what makes you happy. In life, there's always some offset. You can't be happy and living a 100% meaningful life all the time. If there are no ups and downs in life, your life would be super boring. Most people never end up in what they like to do, for practicality reasons. The best alternative is to work in something manageable, then spend time to do the things you like. Look through your photos, you will find that the things you treasure most has the most pictures.