Procrastination

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/procrastination-is-not-laziness/

This is a really really good article about procrastination. I can relate to this more than the procrastination workshop by rosemary gosling which i attended...

I finally know why i procrastinate. I think it's the fear of uncertainty and the unwillingness to take risks. I am afraid of injuring myself; be it mentally or physically. I am scared that i will never recover from an injury, and so this worrywart prefers to procrastinate. Procrastinating makes things a little better. Hesitating can eventually lead to avoidance. And being able to avoid things as far as possible would perhaps be better for me.

I inferred this from my unwillingness to participate in sports, because i am afraid of falling. I am scared of pain. I really dislike pain. There are deeper emotional reasons involved, which i am not even sure myself.

Maybe it's that fall off the stairs when i was 2. Maybe it's because i can never fit in with kindergarten friends coz i liked to be different. At age 6, when all the girls liked pink power ranger, and i said i liked yellow ranger, insisted on liking yellow, when deep down i actually hated it. And perhaps its from all those other incidents that i don't even have a memory of.

Whatever reason it is, this procrastination habit really has to go. I am always thankful to those friends who pulled me out to study, and watching others study gives me the motivation to study. I am thankful to my parents for being the driving force behin me (to prevent being nagged at, i would do the things i need to do). I am thankful to He Zhou, my senior, who always commented that i am very "strong", finishing my work promptly and accurately. Whether or not he meant it, it has been a good form of encouragement for me especially at work. I guess that's the reason why i always finish my work quickly. Definitely good to work with him.

I am the kind of person who need lots of motivation and encouragement to complete things. Otherwise, i would continue to procrastinate (especially at household chores or shopping for essentials). It's a good thing that i have the habit of giving my all once i get started, but its always the beginning that is hard.

Yes i will not procrastinate at the library tmr! Study hard and all the best for my exams!!

MC Mong - Dalmatian Love

So I heard this song on Big B radio. At first I thought it was some Jay Park song that I never heard before because of the English narration at the beginning. But then I heard Inati's voice OTL. Why oh why am I such a bad DMTN fan that I didn't know this song! Well this was before their debut :D And there's no donglimmie, danielboy, and Jeesu-yah inside but there's Simon! Kekeke. And Intae, Dari and Dayday. Oh how I miss Dari and Dayday and the DMTN boys T_T

Yes I really surprise myself so much by being able to identify their voices on a song I never heard before 0.0

And I linked later to this old performance video!

So cool right! Really a good performance of veteran kpop rapper. Even though he no longer appears in the public eye after the evading army issue. Seriously miss MC Mong (though I have never been a fan) and I hope he comes back soon! N Inati really learnt from MC Mong. Can totally tell the similarities in rapping. Somehow many of the kpop groups will resemble their CEO in terms of music style. Interesting that way~

Paranoid

Perhaps it was just me being a bit too paranoid, craving for attention and a need to be noticed. So i thought one of my friends was reading my blog. Possibly true but i doubt so. Anyways, this blog will continue being full of my random thoughts, used as a tool to make willing parties understand me better.

In secondary school, i never wrote about depeessing things. Its always happy things, or my boring life. After so many years, either the happy things in my life has decreased, or i am no longer as easily happy as i used to be.

Now, i really need to put down all my troubles and give my studies my first priority. I guess its time to not think and not feel, and just concentrate.

I have lots of things i look forward to after the exams! So lets be positive! Fighting JY!

😭😭😭😭😭😭

Too many thoughts in my head. But the title is what I feel. Even though I don't physically cry, I cry in my heart. Which is actually worse right.  I need release. I need to find back the happy me. But will I really welcome the happy me back with open arms? I'm seeking for change. Change in the way I think, mostly. I have to change. And these changes are bringing out the worse in me, not the better me.

I realised I had shut everyone out previously. Keeping people away has made me a slightly more happy person. I did not give a care to the world, I didn't realise that the ppl around me were slowly changing. By the time I realised, which is just recently these few months, everyone is already far ahead. I gave myself the excuse that I was a late bloomer, and things I want and hope for will naturally fall in place. All these fantasies kept my head high up in the clouds such that the fall down to earth was much harder. And here I am, trying hard to keep up,while using more rational sense and logics rather than relying on fairy tale stories.

Sad isn't it? I hope it's not too late that I realised it. Perhaps i should be more proactive and converse more, but that wouldn't be me huh. I feel really sorry. Sorry to those people whom I had unintentionally shut out. Sorry that I even had the thought that you guys are randomly weird. It's me who is the weird one, not you.

Yes, I realised what loneliness is like. I think back on the days of my secondary school, where I had fun disturbing my juniors and friends from other classes, oh so nonchalant about what my friends actually thought of me. In fact, I dismissed off their comments without giving it any thought (It was an unreliable source too). Contrasting it with the me now, I only know how to spend my non-school hours watching tv, studying (abit), and sleeping. I became a high self-monitor, giving more weightage to the norms and social situations, feeling more amd more out of place even when i'm in a crowd. I started to feel that it takes too much effort to talk with my friends. I never know what kind of topic they were discussing. I gave up bonding with anyone.

I never quite got the idea of eye candy. I feel that it's rude to stare. Especially at a stranger's face. Staring at their back or side isn't so bad. They won't know that anyone is looking. And adding my poor memory and my bad eyesight, I tend not to observe my surroundings. So I end up feeling way more lost when my friends start discussing about people. But you can also say that i am attentive in class :)

Ok back to me not talking. This is like the nth time I write about my poor speaking abilities. And mind you it's really the speaking ability and not that I can't express myself with words. Or maybe not the speaking ability but me being unable to stare at a friend's face for too long too. So social media has really destroyed me. People are having their heart talk face to face, while I do it on MSN or whatsapp  in the wee hours. I also know that words can kill. So I tend to rephrase and restructure my words many times over. And technology has definitely made it easier to edit my own words. But I can't do the editing so many times over in the spoken context, making me even more unwilling to speak. Or perhaps it's the fear of speaking stemming from me always saying the wrong things and getting stared down by society.

Whatever it is, i can't avoid the fact that I need to change. For the better.

PS Hi to the person who linked to my blog from my fb. Idk whether I know you, and I do not know whether u actually know me.  It might be good if someone reads my posts and want to actively try to help me in real life. If so, I thank you in advance.