Self esteem

So kuam told me about xuanny's character. Like how she was unwilling to go henderson wave with jos coz she is lazy. And how she is not willing to sing in front of Jos. But a good relationship should be about fun and putting down all qualms isn't it? 

I was once like that. I minded about what others thought of me. Not as extreme, but I had all those screwed perceptions that I should always upkeep a good image. To not show others my weaker side. Perhaps it might be the after-effect of being bullied. You start being very conscious of others, trying not to do things which will invite people to bully you. And behind that seemingly strong front is a person with low self-esteem, who really takes it to heart what others think. 

I remember when I was in P4, my friends told me off for singing the national anthem too loudly, and that my singing was horrible. Thereafter I didn't dare to sing the anthem and only mouthing the lyrics. Only until many months later, then I started to whisper the lyrics instead. 

I was bullied, but it wasn't the worse bully case in my primary school. I know of my primary school friends who got called really nasty names, and was truly discriminated by the whole class and even the teacher. They didn't dare to tell their parents. When I was in P2, the bullies scribbled on my homework. I told my parents a few days later and they wrote a letter to my form teacher. Those bullies got reprimanded by my teacher and then by my principal. They came crying and begging for my forgiveness during recess time, and the blurr me did not even know what forgive meant. 

Imagine if I did not have such supportive parents. Perhaps I would be bullied forever, keeping quiet and letting the hurt accumulate. Maybe I will be even more restrained and shy, to the extent of being anti-social. But I learnt how not to get bullied; it's actually really simple. Just ignore, be non-chalant about it, and then the teasing will stop eventually. It always works. Perhaps too effectively that I never get teased that badly and maybe because I look too fierce and it's not fun anymore. 

I think many girls lack self-esteem a lot. I don't understand why they like to compare looks and bodies. I am pretty happy with mine. Can be improved, not the worst, but definitely not the best. I don't really care. If I cared that much I wouldn't still be sitting here HAHA. 

Confidence in yourself is actually important. A confident man always looks better, wiser, more attractive, regardless of the age. Perhaps that explains why some guys never get their girls; all because of the lack of confidence. Likewise, applies to girls I guess. 

Comparison kills self-esteem. When you start comparing, you get stuck in the rat race to outdo others. The real achievement should be when you outdo yourself, enjoying that process and learning from your experiences. 

People should never start dating just because all the friends are doing it. Never ever try to follow the crowd. Don't date for the sake of just wanting to fall in love; date with the outcome you desire in mind, the future which has 2. I don't know the details, but it sounds like xuanny is just dating jos for the sake of wanting to be in a relationship. That's why she never wants to face the music, face the problems and acknowledge their differences. Much less say working together to mitigate the differences, she just shoved everything under the rug and pretend all is fine. One day during spring cleaning you will find all sorts of nonsense under that rug, which is going to make you really ill and really painful, like a tumour. And you never know when the tumour will just explode and boom its not going to be a happy ending. 

A true couple shouldn't be so mindful about what each other thinks. Enjoying the process is important, thats why having fun is too. Doing things together and being crazy together. By showing your ugly side and if the partner does not attempt to run away, then he really is to stay. Thats why in the marriage vow, "for sickness and in good health", it is especially mentioned. Through thick and thin, long and short, your ideal partner should take responsibility and be with you. 

And that's why I do encourage Jos and Xuanny to break. Xuanny needs to reflect on herself. She needs to learn how to love herself, how to be confident of herself, before she can try to love others. Otherwise, she would just be suffocating her partner because she does not know what she really wants. And that again leads fo another unhappy relationship. 

As for jos, he had been so deprived, and having experienced hell, he is clear about what he wants. But the guts training area really needs to be improved coz he is too scared of the tantrums that she may throw if he suggests the break. (Yes this is where sweeping everything under the rug will come in). 

It is not impossible for xuanny to change. She needs close friends and family to pull her through this, to encourage her and help her increase her self-esteem. She needs to know that it is alright for her to do things, and that noone will judge her. But now, who can do it? The wall which she built up around her is hard to break. 

I am thankful to my friends and my family who pulled me out of the sub-consciousness of being afraid of what others think. My sister the trendsetter, openly being in a relationship with everyone's blessing, makes me realise that my parents are perhaps not that strict. My friends for opening me up way more than all my family did. I had a hell lot of restrictions which I imposed on myself in secondary school. Each and every friend in my various stages of life, slowly but surely chipped off that wall. Now I dare to voice my thoughts and my feelings. I dare to let people judge me. I dare to discuss about relationships. Thanks friends. <3