Conflicted

I really dont know what I am feeling. Its just a mix of so many emotions, there is almost no way to separate it into its different compartments. Upset, anger, sadness, loved, happiness, bliss, worried, guilty, selfishness, selflessness, independence, clingy... and it all just arises from 1 act. Which is him delivering dinner from his house to Raffles and to my house, and then back home again.

Here I am feeling all these emotions all at once. The act itself gives me so much happiness, bliss and love, but also because of him having to travel all the way down from far away makes me feel guilty, then worried if he will have enough to eat and sleep, anger and sadness at myself for being a burden, selfish and clingy thoughts coz a tiny part of him still wants him to do the same again one day, but rational me tells me to be independent and selfless to give him enough freedom to do what he wants. And I am terribly stuck in a spot, and is so affected by it that I practicallt stayed silent the entire phone call.

I am not used to having someone treat me so well. Helplessly wondering what else can i do in return, but then love is not a race that we have to win each other in. So many things holding me back, yet so many things that I want to push for too. Being on the receiving end, and always not knowing what should my next action be. Thanks is never enough, and sorries is not enough either.

To be honest, its not just the matter of today’s dinner episode. But its also because of what he told me yesterday, of what his parents didn’t like about our relationship. I am never a rebel; I  can’t just heck their thoughts and continue like what I always do. To a certain extent I will be affected by their words, but I will listen, and adjust accordingly. I don’t want to be putting him in a spot, or forcing him to choose between me or his parents. That is absolute nonsense. But seeing him sandwiched between both parties, I feel the pain on his behalf, but I perfectly understand where his parents are coming from too.

Having to take everyone’s thoughts and feelings into consideration, society’s social norms and way of thoughts, keeping up to an expected image, becoming the expectation that others have of me... So many things pulling me in all the different directions, tearing me apart slowly, and there’s me trying to protect the original me, but yet unknowingly taking a side only to be pulled to tbe other end again.

So should I continue to follow my heart? I think my heart knows best. For sure Ryan is my one and only, and all these is just part and parcel of life. My heart tells me, anything with Ryan will be the bestest place. With care and concern towards Ryan, then will such feelings and thoughts surface.

Now back to my de facto mode. Time to get a good sleep, forget about my worries and stress, then back to the usual me. The one who believes that staying optimistic trumps everything. That nothing cannot be cured with just some time. That happiness is the way of life, and bring joy to everyone around amidst chaos and uncertainty.

if I were to advertise my boyfriend

https://mobile.nytimes.com/2017/03/03/style/modern-love-you-may-want-to-marry-my-husband.html?referer=https://mobile.nytimes.com/2017/12/27/style/10-ways-to-love-better.html?referer=http://m.facebook.com

Idk whats with me and my suddenly active tearglands when it comes to the topics of death. Crying again in the middle of the night as I read this article, putting myself in the shoes of the dying author. This made me think about Ryan again. Because what if this is what’s happening to me? If that happens, I am sure I would want him to move on in life without me. 

Following the style of writing of the author: 

“I met Ryan through a dating app, in November 2017. I had merely been on the app for 2+ months, and then I clicked ‘interested’ on this profile, where the guy in the picture was holding 2 watermelons with a sunny smile, and who happened to have graduated from the same polytechnic as me. We linked up through the app, first chatting about what we missed about our alma mater, then to our family background and upbringing, and to the discussion about volunteering as usher for NDP, I was drawn in to this guy who seems to enjoy the same acivities and has the same thinking as me. As the chat expired, we gradually moved to Telegram, and on one of the Saturdays,  he was asking about something else but I gave him my phone number and Instagram username out of the blue instead. Of course he was stunned and as we continued to talk, he finally asked me out on a date on a Tuesday night after work. 

Ryan is a caring family-centred man. We first met on his brother’s birthday, and he told me he couldn’t stay out late as he needed to go back to celebrate his bday. In the days following after, I started to like him more and more, as we texted about almost anything. On the Friday night of that particular week, I stayed out late with my colleagues, and was caught without a ride back home. As I was grumbling to him through text, he offered to come fetch me home, despite being tired from his run. That was only our second meetup, and he was willing to go through such extents to pickup someone he barely knew, and I was so touched and overwhelmed at his actions. Thats when I knew I wanted to be with him, such a gentle thoughtful man, who was willing to go to any extent for someone he likes. 

Within these short few months of dating, he has demonstrated perseverence, to create our shared future and striving to be a better version of himself. He has went through great distances, just to spend time together with me. He is a thrifty and smart man, saving up for our future and for rainy days, dabbling in long term investments to provide better returns of our nest egg. He is a filial son, sparing a thought for his parents and wanting to spend more time with them. A hardworking and well-liked responsible worker, as he is entrusted with learning the ropes and taking on heavier responsibilities at his workplace. 

Did I even mention how cute he is. Although he is very much the good man, planning for the future, he still carries boyish charms and has an inquisitive mind, always keen to explore about everything. 

I have only seen so much of what he is. The future is unknown, but I see in him a family man who makes time and effort to spend with his wife and children. I see in him a nurturing, gentle father, who would take pains just to let his core family enjoy a better life. A man who will cook and clean, for the family’s health and nutrition. A lot more, which I will slowly find out as I pass the milestones with him.”

And don’t worry about me; I am not in pain or any discomfort now. Just that I hope nothing bad ever happens to either of us, and we both can live a long life together, have a home and family of our own, friends and relatives who dotes on us, a meaningful life spent walking through the path of life, holding hands and never letting go. 

If i lost you

I randomly read a post about death of a loved one, and it suddenly got me thinking of death.

Now i’m crying for no reason, just because I can’t face the thought of what will happen if I lost Ryan T_T

A random pang of pain and loads of helplessness, if ever I lose him suddenly. I now realise how much I treasure him and really love him. How I will never ever let him go because I am already prepared to go through thick and thin, ups and downs with him.

How will I ever survive if I lose him when we have a family to call our own? As much as I know he wouldn’t want to see me sad, but if that happens I will be so devastated that I wonder if I can ever function alone anymore...

The tears doesn’t seem to be stopping. Ryan please always stay safe and healthy!!! I love you and will never ever want to let you go <3