Living in my own world

Time and time again, I have proven him wrong. I have not met any of his expectations. I didn’t take what he told me into mind, because i assume its just a passing phase. I have caused him so much hurt. Just because of stupid assumptions.

I couldn’t tell that he was hiding behind a mask. I couldn’t tell that he was hiding behind the texting screen and still feeling lousy. I couldn’t tell that he is putting on a pretence, that everything is fine, and feelings are normal. 

I am such a bad girlfriend. I know communication is key, but I assume everything is good when I am good. This is ultimate stupidity to the next level. Am I really taking advantage of his love, and wearing him down of it? Am I ignoring his feelings just because I don’t see it? 

I have done him so much wrong. This trip to Taiwan, I am constantly thinking about him. Wondering what to buy for him, wondering what to get for his family... then I remembered I needed to buy for my Ahma and my fam too. Just thinking is not enough for sure. I need to show it. But stupid me is keeping things to myself. 

Why did I not call him up when I reached the hotel? Why did I forget that I told him I would try to call? Why am I so scared of how others view me? I realised by texting relentlessly, it has already affected the opinion of others. But why did I still not take the initiative to call? Why am I not interested in what is happening back at home? Why am I so damn dumb, to realise the good in front of me, and not cherish it the way I should? 

I don’t ever want to let him go. But yet I am moulding him towards what I want. My mood swings. My on and off feelings. Bringing him up for a moment and then send him crashing down the next. This rollercoaster has got to go. Its causing us too much harm. Way too much. And I will definitely regret the moment it moves downhill and crashes into hell. 

Its time to wake up from my own world. Time is not going to wait for anyone. People are not going to be there forever. Good things will never last forever. If we know that we are right for each other, then why am I not putting in the proper effort to maintain and sustain and to bring it further? We really really love each other. But love isn’t going to make things happen just by dreaming about it. I need to act on it.

Self-centred me is crazy. Its ruining everyone around me. Its causing so much lost opportunities. Its wearing out the ones closest to me. Things do not revolve around me and life goes on. My issues aren’t the most major. My issues are nothing compared to what everyone is going through. I am not being the supportive person he wants to be with. I am not making myself available to him because I closed those doors and got caught up in a whirlwind of work. And these would eventually make him lose more trust and faith in me that I will no longer be the exclusive person whom he can confide in. 

His dad asked me for 3 reasons why I love Ryan. 

1) He cares a lot about me and sacrifices so much for me

2) He has the same ideas, thoughts, and core values as me: being family centred 

3) He is responsible, towards me, his work, and his family

All these conflicts we are having these days have made me forget why I chose him, and why I fell for him. I feel burdened and guilty. Why can’t I provide the same for him as he does for me? In this relationship, have I only been thinking I am the perfect one?

OMG I seriously can’t believe myself... i need a brand new mindset, to be a person that puts others in front of myself. 

Arghhhhhh. SELFISH SELFISH SELFISH

T_T

Conflicted

I really dont know what I am feeling. Its just a mix of so many emotions, there is almost no way to separate it into its different compartments. Upset, anger, sadness, loved, happiness, bliss, worried, guilty, selfishness, selflessness, independence, clingy... and it all just arises from 1 act. Which is him delivering dinner from his house to Raffles and to my house, and then back home again.

Here I am feeling all these emotions all at once. The act itself gives me so much happiness, bliss and love, but also because of him having to travel all the way down from far away makes me feel guilty, then worried if he will have enough to eat and sleep, anger and sadness at myself for being a burden, selfish and clingy thoughts coz a tiny part of him still wants him to do the same again one day, but rational me tells me to be independent and selfless to give him enough freedom to do what he wants. And I am terribly stuck in a spot, and is so affected by it that I practicallt stayed silent the entire phone call.

I am not used to having someone treat me so well. Helplessly wondering what else can i do in return, but then love is not a race that we have to win each other in. So many things holding me back, yet so many things that I want to push for too. Being on the receiving end, and always not knowing what should my next action be. Thanks is never enough, and sorries is not enough either.

To be honest, its not just the matter of today’s dinner episode. But its also because of what he told me yesterday, of what his parents didn’t like about our relationship. I am never a rebel; I  can’t just heck their thoughts and continue like what I always do. To a certain extent I will be affected by their words, but I will listen, and adjust accordingly. I don’t want to be putting him in a spot, or forcing him to choose between me or his parents. That is absolute nonsense. But seeing him sandwiched between both parties, I feel the pain on his behalf, but I perfectly understand where his parents are coming from too.

Having to take everyone’s thoughts and feelings into consideration, society’s social norms and way of thoughts, keeping up to an expected image, becoming the expectation that others have of me... So many things pulling me in all the different directions, tearing me apart slowly, and there’s me trying to protect the original me, but yet unknowingly taking a side only to be pulled to tbe other end again.

So should I continue to follow my heart? I think my heart knows best. For sure Ryan is my one and only, and all these is just part and parcel of life. My heart tells me, anything with Ryan will be the bestest place. With care and concern towards Ryan, then will such feelings and thoughts surface.

Now back to my de facto mode. Time to get a good sleep, forget about my worries and stress, then back to the usual me. The one who believes that staying optimistic trumps everything. That nothing cannot be cured with just some time. That happiness is the way of life, and bring joy to everyone around amidst chaos and uncertainty.

if I were to advertise my boyfriend

https://mobile.nytimes.com/2017/03/03/style/modern-love-you-may-want-to-marry-my-husband.html?referer=https://mobile.nytimes.com/2017/12/27/style/10-ways-to-love-better.html?referer=http://m.facebook.com

Idk whats with me and my suddenly active tearglands when it comes to the topics of death. Crying again in the middle of the night as I read this article, putting myself in the shoes of the dying author. This made me think about Ryan again. Because what if this is what’s happening to me? If that happens, I am sure I would want him to move on in life without me. 

Following the style of writing of the author: 

“I met Ryan through a dating app, in November 2017. I had merely been on the app for 2+ months, and then I clicked ‘interested’ on this profile, where the guy in the picture was holding 2 watermelons with a sunny smile, and who happened to have graduated from the same polytechnic as me. We linked up through the app, first chatting about what we missed about our alma mater, then to our family background and upbringing, and to the discussion about volunteering as usher for NDP, I was drawn in to this guy who seems to enjoy the same acivities and has the same thinking as me. As the chat expired, we gradually moved to Telegram, and on one of the Saturdays,  he was asking about something else but I gave him my phone number and Instagram username out of the blue instead. Of course he was stunned and as we continued to talk, he finally asked me out on a date on a Tuesday night after work. 

Ryan is a caring family-centred man. We first met on his brother’s birthday, and he told me he couldn’t stay out late as he needed to go back to celebrate his bday. In the days following after, I started to like him more and more, as we texted about almost anything. On the Friday night of that particular week, I stayed out late with my colleagues, and was caught without a ride back home. As I was grumbling to him through text, he offered to come fetch me home, despite being tired from his run. That was only our second meetup, and he was willing to go through such extents to pickup someone he barely knew, and I was so touched and overwhelmed at his actions. Thats when I knew I wanted to be with him, such a gentle thoughtful man, who was willing to go to any extent for someone he likes. 

Within these short few months of dating, he has demonstrated perseverence, to create our shared future and striving to be a better version of himself. He has went through great distances, just to spend time together with me. He is a thrifty and smart man, saving up for our future and for rainy days, dabbling in long term investments to provide better returns of our nest egg. He is a filial son, sparing a thought for his parents and wanting to spend more time with them. A hardworking and well-liked responsible worker, as he is entrusted with learning the ropes and taking on heavier responsibilities at his workplace. 

Did I even mention how cute he is. Although he is very much the good man, planning for the future, he still carries boyish charms and has an inquisitive mind, always keen to explore about everything. 

I have only seen so much of what he is. The future is unknown, but I see in him a family man who makes time and effort to spend with his wife and children. I see in him a nurturing, gentle father, who would take pains just to let his core family enjoy a better life. A man who will cook and clean, for the family’s health and nutrition. A lot more, which I will slowly find out as I pass the milestones with him.”

And don’t worry about me; I am not in pain or any discomfort now. Just that I hope nothing bad ever happens to either of us, and we both can live a long life together, have a home and family of our own, friends and relatives who dotes on us, a meaningful life spent walking through the path of life, holding hands and never letting go. 

If i lost you

I randomly read a post about death of a loved one, and it suddenly got me thinking of death.

Now i’m crying for no reason, just because I can’t face the thought of what will happen if I lost Ryan T_T

A random pang of pain and loads of helplessness, if ever I lose him suddenly. I now realise how much I treasure him and really love him. How I will never ever let him go because I am already prepared to go through thick and thin, ups and downs with him.

How will I ever survive if I lose him when we have a family to call our own? As much as I know he wouldn’t want to see me sad, but if that happens I will be so devastated that I wonder if I can ever function alone anymore...

The tears doesn’t seem to be stopping. Ryan please always stay safe and healthy!!! I love you and will never ever want to let you go <3

What I want from a relationship

So my colleagues were discussing about my boyfriend during lunchtime, and they commented that Ryan looks really fanily oriented. And SY asked everyone if thats what they would want in their boyfriends. Almost all of them didn’t want a family oriented kinda guy, except for PS who was kinda sitting on the fence. I openly admitted that I was looking for a family oriented guy from the very beginning, and they kinda understand where I am coming from since I always have a lot of family gatherings and I will want my bf to be able to attend as well. Theres 2 definitions to family oriented though; one is mumny’s boy (backward looking), another is being centred around the future family and the current gf (forward looking). I am so glad that Ryan is a mix of both,  but he isn’t a mummy’s boy hehe~

Maybe I have been writing it too obviously on my face that I am so ready to get married... I know that me and Ryan started off really quickly after texting each other for like less than 2 weeks, then getting together on our 3rd meetup. Fastgame in terms of others, but for me, if he is someone whom I can spend the rest of my life with, i didn’t miss out at all by skipping through the push and pulls of dating. Because while dating officially, we are still able to enjoy the joys of being together, with the additional commitment of a serious relationship.

My life goal is to get married, have kids, retire peacefully, then spend the rest of our years taking care of my partner and doing things which we love together. Climbing the corporate ladder has never been my concern; I never ever want to be a slave to the company. Traditional mindset much. But these big goals might possibly scare away some men, but I am so thankful that Ryan thinks similarly as me regarding this~ But the only difference is that I am not as detailed in planning for the future as he is. Never ever considered the budget, the cost of living, etc., but he has given a thought about it, and even factored in the maximum number of kids we should have based on our budget.

What I want in life is rather simple. Get a nomal paying job which doesn’t require me to work especially long hours, live in a 4 room HDB, owning a car is not the most necessary item, just being able to sustain a small family without worrying too much about living expenses. In fact, I don’t even need a place to call my own and can even move in with the in-laws (free dinner eh!). If my parents can do it, then why can’t I lead that same lifestyle too? Remember that my parents are not the most well-to-do; they are just normal salaried workers with their own set of family problems, but they are my role models towards my life decisions. Although times have changed and the costs had changed as well, but the essence of the life I want isn’t that far different I guess.

Innocence

Somehow I am seeing the younger self in people’s eyes. But I can only see it in very few people. Like when they are sharing bits and pieces of their childhood. When their eyes light up when they see their favourite things. Or when they are worried about their family or loved ones. 

It is the helpless innocence when they are aware of something that they can do nothing about. Or the innocent happiness when they finally get what they wanted or when they see someone. And the childish worries even when there’s nothing wrong. 

Actually, if you can see it in someone’s eyes, I guess the person did have an awesome childhood. Only such good experience would allow someone to retain the original innocence, even when the person has matured and excelling in their field of work and study. 

All in all, it is a super cute trait to have~ People should retain more of such innocence; it really makes the environment livelier, the people happier, the workplace less stressful, and relationships stronger. 

#randomthoughts

Integration

When your boyfriend has been integrated into the family ❤️

Ever since being exposed last week, we already had family dinner with 阿姨 and 小舅 yesterday. Knowing that my family were all so eager for me to find a boyfriend, and that joy and elated look that surfaced on their face when we appeared. Ahgong was so shocked when I appeared with Ryan, but his face became solemn but happy thereafter. Ahma was also super happy and eagerly invited him over for CNY. The rest of the uncles and aunties just started intro-ing themselves using their name and then shake hands with him. Like a cute only.

YAY my family loves him too! Not that he wouldn’t pass any of the tests, but its good to know that he has been officially accepted~ and then they can finally stop worrying about me liaos. Ryan is seriously the best ever person and the most suitable person for me sia. My rare dinosaur ❤️

10feb reunion dinner with my dads side, and he will be coming too 🙃

Wait for more shocked faces HOHO. -inserts evil laughs-

I have been going around dropping way too many bombs on the people in my life  HAHAHAHA

Next mission to bond better with his family~ 24feb!