Problems

I really dont know what happened between us, issit that we are becoming sour over each other now?

Am I too controlling? Tell me which girlfriend will like the boyfriend to still use Tinder to look at girls?! That is definitely one thing I really don’t like. Hello if we are official and you still wanna look at girls, then might as well just go date them and not look for me??

Thats rather screwed up. Now I lost faith in men. Again. Argh.

Indeed we need to talk. He is like blowing hot and cold on me now. I guess he really is confused and doesn’t exactly know what he wants? Physical intimacy I might not be able to give, physical body I can’t satisfy his wants either, character-wise we might make a rather good match, but did we really manage to connect that emotionally?

I just want someone who can give me his 100% and treat me well. Is that really very hard? I can do without some physical intimacy because foreplay is definitely not everything. Am I really that hard to  get along with? I am super serious about this relationship, with the thought of marriage in mind in fact. I feel he is someone who can be the father to my children, someone who really places family above all else.

We meet too much and thats a problem. Meet too little also potentially a problem.

Forget I said anything about meeting. Then i’m not gonna mert you until you make up your decision whether or not I am still worth it.

This shit is so upsetting. I am super affected by his words and his weird decisions. For a moment in the morning he happily says he can’t live without texting. Next moment he says he is going silent.

But I still hope his decision will be still to be with me... SIGH.

(Update)
He told me he has no intention of breaking off with me. YAY. I forgot what I am angry about! HAHAHAHA. -too easily satisfied-

Just he is going through a rough patch with many uncertainties about love and work I guess... which resulted in his emotional roller coaster.

Now I’m thinking, does he lack confidence in himself to make this relationship last? Hmmmmm.

I should lay the ground that we are in this for a real long term relationship.

Too hard too strong

Sorry I came on as too fast too hard and too strong 😞
I just wanted to give you a surprise because you had been feeling lousy at work, and I thought it will help. I just did some random googling and found out where you would appear, but once I saw the helplessness and disappointment in your eyes, I knew it was a wrong decision already.

Sigh I promise I will never ever do this again :(

Feeling super guilty, full of reproach, disappointed with myself, and wondering what the future holds. Relationships are really not a bed of roses; I am still figuring out myself. And with my clingy insecurity, its really really bad for both of us.

I am scared...

I’m trying to be normal, but its so hard after a little disagreement...

First Monthsary 25.12.17

Today is the first monthsary with Ryan <3 HAPPY DAY TODAY!

First we went Henderson wave & Hort Park, then Harbourfront Centre for Koi, then trained down to stadium for ice skating, cycled to MBS then walked to Sushi express for dinner, then walked to Timbre for drinks before going home~

SUPER WELL SPENT DAY I LIKE SIAAAA. 

From 8am till 9pm~ 13 hours with Ryan 😍

Favourite thing to do is holding his hand and hugging him~ And he wrote me a message hehe. In return for my letter (:

Merry Christmas Jiayi!

It's been a smooth and exciting first month with you ❤️ Till now I wonder how did we manage to go official on the 4th date without any fanciful flowers, gifts or setting hehe. I don't even remember if I confessed.

I love how we are able to open up to each other so easily, how much we can tell each other thoughts and feelings, and how quickly I can forgive you each time I'm triggered by something you say or do hahahaha!

I'm sorry how many times I must have crossed your line, but I'm thankful and appreciative for your patience. Slowly but surely, you are guiding me back onto the socially acceptable path. Thank you for being around to support me at the recent  troughs of my first 14 months of my career, for I  am sure these experiences will build not just myself, but us both up. I'm also happy to be there to listen to your rants and problems. These tribulations will only strengthen our relationship, and my love and appreciation for you hehe!

The coming months won't be easy, and especially since our work schedules are going to step up to occupy more of our time. Quarrels and arguments will be making appearances in the coming months whether we like it or not, but I'm sure we will always have each other's best interests at heart at the end of the day🙆🏻‍♂️You'll continue be in my thoughts on days we don't meet hahaha! Here's to more fun, challenges to overcome and memories ahead!

Happy first month hehehehe ❤️

很爱很爱你 Ryan!~ 谢谢你所做的一切

And the first nonthsary letter i did: 

Rainbows~

Because ever since Ryan came into my life, I had already seen 2 rainbows. And today is the 3rd rainbow, which we finally saw together! <3 

Thanks Ryan for being the rainbow in my life! Love you so so much!

My supposed first monthsary message

So I wrote a first monthsary draft in the Notes on my phone, but I accidentally flashed it to Ryan, and he saw something with his name. Truthfully told him its a note meant for him, which I would give it to him on the 25th. He was so shocked and then told me not to go through the trouble.

On monday when we met at Jurong, he asked me why do I like him. I told him because he was very nice. But he didn’t look too satisfied with the answer, so I ended up showing him the note I wrote on my phone. He was indeed quite touched :)

I eventually did up another note, specially for the first monthsary card, which I finished doing it yesterday when I was on MC~

Here goes the first note; I will post up the pictures of the actual card after I give it to him <3

To Ryan,

Merry Christmas and Happy first month anniversary! ❤️

I really love how we are so comfortable with each other, sharing with each other about everything, how quickly we opened up to each other. It feels so good cuddling with you, kissing you, holding your hand. Thank you for the sacrifices you have made for me, I really appreciate every single moment of it. Thank you for being there for me; I promise I will always be there for you too~

I am the happiest when I am with you, running errands with you, walking aimlessly in circles, talking about the future. Its all these littlest actions that counts the most to me that makes me smile and my heart swell. 

Slowly but surely, I am falling in love with you. I love how you can give me the sense of stability, how you plan for our future together, how you are mostly similar to me in terms of thoughts and dreams and future. 

Thank you for doting on me, for giving in to me, for accepting me for who I am, for loving me. You are the greatest gift of my life <3

Here’s to our many many months more, many more firsts that we will share, until we grow old together~ 

I LOVE YOU RYAN! ❤️

With love,

Jia Yi 😘

Scrolling through the memories

I was trying to recall how much of an influence Kuam was in my texting style. And then I scrolled back and realised, she didn’t influence me at all. All along my texting style has always been a little on the crazy side, with my random CAPS. I guess all these dated back to the era of MSN days, when we just started poly I guess. 

And scrolling back to all my old blogposts, especially those during my poly days, the fun days of camps, the people whom I had fun with... All those memories suddenly flooded me. I am so glad I kept this blog alive, randomly blogging whatever I wanted to write, insane or not insane. 

AND THE BEST PART: I WROTE ABOUT A DREAM WHICH I HAD LONG AGO. And it is true in some extent LOL.  That dream was about some random not good looking guy (i wrote pimply to differentiate between the 2 guys, but now that I think back, he was just not flawless)  helping me, piggybacking me, keeping me away from accidents. AND I WROTE THAT THIS GUY IS FROM NTU AND NOT FROM MY COURSE. Just the random part about the kerb and the initial J didnt happen, but I dont think I even remembered that part correctly. 

AND GUESS WHAT. SOUNDS LIKE RYAN RIGHT. HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA. Mygod if it really was him, I SWEAR ITS FATE! :O 

(Just that fate maybe took a few years to come)

I SHOULD ASK HIM IF HE HAS ANY PULAU NTU GOOD FRIEND WHO IS QUITE GOOD LOOKING HMMMMMMM

Confession from Ryan on D1

Yessss I have gotten the text of it~ Realised that this is too precious not to save it somewhere properly, so here goes:

I feel like you're very self confident even in your own skin, and bubbly. That's what really attracted me. How we managed to click and get along within such a short time was what made me feel like we could go a Long way. That's why I asked if you would like to enter a committed relationship with me

And how you warmed up to me made me feel like I should let you know how I felt soon

So precious hor <3
Suddenly a lot of feels today and the overwhelming feelings for him hehe.

I EVEN STANDBY PREPARED MY FIRST MONTH ANNIVERSARY LOVE NOTE LIAO SIA!

Am I doing the right thing?

Am I giving too much of myself just for the pleasure of another? Is what I’m doing considered as crossing the line? Do I really want affection in this manner? 

I did draw my limits at least and I did declare the no go things. But are the things that I am currently doing enough? Or would he keep wanting more? He did reassure me that he will keep to his promises of the no go things. But would he? 

I am self doubting myself. Did I really cause myself to be in this mess? Do I really deserve this mess? Is this all I can do? Can I deserve better? 

Sigh. At least I know I have super good self control HAHA. Mind over matter y’know.