Too many thoughts in my head. But the title is what I feel. Even though I don't physically cry, I cry in my heart. Which is actually worse right. I need release. I need to find back the happy me. But will I really welcome the happy me back with open arms? I'm seeking for change. Change in the way I think, mostly. I have to change. And these changes are bringing out the worse in me, not the better me.
I realised I had shut everyone out previously. Keeping people away has made me a slightly more happy person. I did not give a care to the world, I didn't realise that the ppl around me were slowly changing. By the time I realised, which is just recently these few months, everyone is already far ahead. I gave myself the excuse that I was a late bloomer, and things I want and hope for will naturally fall in place. All these fantasies kept my head high up in the clouds such that the fall down to earth was much harder. And here I am, trying hard to keep up,while using more rational sense and logics rather than relying on fairy tale stories.
Sad isn't it? I hope it's not too late that I realised it. Perhaps i should be more proactive and converse more, but that wouldn't be me huh. I feel really sorry. Sorry to those people whom I had unintentionally shut out. Sorry that I even had the thought that you guys are randomly weird. It's me who is the weird one, not you.
Yes, I realised what loneliness is like. I think back on the days of my secondary school, where I had fun disturbing my juniors and friends from other classes, oh so nonchalant about what my friends actually thought of me. In fact, I dismissed off their comments without giving it any thought (It was an unreliable source too). Contrasting it with the me now, I only know how to spend my non-school hours watching tv, studying (abit), and sleeping. I became a high self-monitor, giving more weightage to the norms and social situations, feeling more amd more out of place even when i'm in a crowd. I started to feel that it takes too much effort to talk with my friends. I never know what kind of topic they were discussing. I gave up bonding with anyone.
I never quite got the idea of eye candy. I feel that it's rude to stare. Especially at a stranger's face. Staring at their back or side isn't so bad. They won't know that anyone is looking. And adding my poor memory and my bad eyesight, I tend not to observe my surroundings. So I end up feeling way more lost when my friends start discussing about people. But you can also say that i am attentive in class :)
Ok back to me not talking. This is like the nth time I write about my poor speaking abilities. And mind you it's really the speaking ability and not that I can't express myself with words. Or maybe not the speaking ability but me being unable to stare at a friend's face for too long too. So social media has really destroyed me. People are having their heart talk face to face, while I do it on MSN or whatsapp in the wee hours. I also know that words can kill. So I tend to rephrase and restructure my words many times over. And technology has definitely made it easier to edit my own words. But I can't do the editing so many times over in the spoken context, making me even more unwilling to speak. Or perhaps it's the fear of speaking stemming from me always saying the wrong things and getting stared down by society.
Whatever it is, i can't avoid the fact that I need to change. For the better.
PS Hi to the person who linked to my blog from my fb. Idk whether I know you, and I do not know whether u actually know me. It might be good if someone reads my posts and want to actively try to help me in real life. If so, I thank you in advance.