When your boyfriend has been integrated into the family ❤️
Ever since being exposed last week, we already had family dinner with 阿姨 and 小舅 yesterday. Knowing that my family were all so eager for me to find a boyfriend, and that joy and elated look that surfaced on their face when we appeared. Ahgong was so shocked when I appeared with Ryan, but his face became solemn but happy thereafter. Ahma was also super happy and eagerly invited him over for CNY. The rest of the uncles and aunties just started intro-ing themselves using their name and then shake hands with him. Like a cute only.
YAY my family loves him too! Not that he wouldn’t pass any of the tests, but its good to know that he has been officially accepted~ and then they can finally stop worrying about me liaos. Ryan is seriously the best ever person and the most suitable person for me sia. My rare dinosaur ❤️
10feb reunion dinner with my dads side, and he will be coming too 🙃
Wait for more shocked faces HOHO. -inserts evil laughs-
I have been going around dropping way too many bombs on the people in my life HAHAHAHA
Next mission to bond better with his family~ 24feb!
Sunday, January 21, 2018
Saturday, January 20, 2018
有你，真好
有你，真好！
今晚工作加班了。原本约好的晚餐和拍拖时间也泡汤了。
但是谢谢你那么的谅解我，知道我做工真的辛苦了。
谢谢你遥远的过来接我。而我办公室也不是什么好去处，人多车也多… 送我去吃晚餐， 还包送回家，好感恩。
我原本好害怕你会对我失望，因为期待已久的周末约会时间，因为工作变少了。你还拼命地解释说你并没有生气，没责怪我，没嫌弃我。我因此感到好安慰，好感激。
你像天使一般的来到我生命，那么的照顾我、疼爱我、关心我。万分的谢谢！
我爱你哦 Ryan！
今晚工作加班了。原本约好的晚餐和拍拖时间也泡汤了。
但是谢谢你那么的谅解我，知道我做工真的辛苦了。
谢谢你遥远的过来接我。而我办公室也不是什么好去处，人多车也多… 送我去吃晚餐， 还包送回家，好感恩。
我原本好害怕你会对我失望，因为期待已久的周末约会时间，因为工作变少了。你还拼命地解释说你并没有生气，没责怪我，没嫌弃我。我因此感到好安慰，好感激。
你像天使一般的来到我生命，那么的照顾我、疼爱我、关心我。万分的谢谢！
我爱你哦 Ryan！
Monday, January 8, 2018
Insecurities
Not that there had been any disagreements or quarrels, but just randomly feeling down for no reason. And it is just a littleeee bit of negativity, which will pass~
Just the feeling that I am not good enough. Too self-centred, not listening enough, not asking him about what he likes and dislikes, not being understanding enough. Useless and lazy at so many things like chores, work and life in general. I think it might be a potential problem for us in future, because he might end up doing everything and I end up not contributing enough, and then he might feel burdened and tired and all 😟
I really need to start giving more. Start small by giving 100% attention first, since I sometimes end up switching off if its something I don’t wanna hear or feel like hearing. Like after being nagged at for too long and its easy to just switch off instead of arguing or stating a point.
Ryan, you really are an extinct dinosaur... which guy does budgeting, financial planning, household chores, cooking (or at least preparing and making food), being so selfless for family and extended family, doesnt mind chaffeuring everyone around, planning for the future and for dates, on top of staying fit and spending time with friends and family, your own interests, and so much more... How can I not feel inadequate?! I’m having trouble even doing my work properly and taking care of myself, much less to say taking care of others around me? I want to be there to help him out; I never want him to feel the burnout ever again, but sometimes I feel that I am just adding to his burden and being over-reliant on him. That gives him so much more to carry on his shoulders... and when theres too much to handle, there will be meltdowns which would be super unhappy. Sigh.
I realised that every person is like a vase. Some came with cracks more than the others. Some had been smashed but pieced back together again. Everyone would have been damaged, some more severely than the others, some unmendable, some will take forever to slowly piece it back. Ryan says he was once depressed and distant at some point of time. Which means the cracklines has already been formed, and too much provocation could deepen the cracklines and shatter him. While I hope to be the glue to mend his cracks, and never to be the destroyer that breaks him. But what if I accidentally and unintentionally drive him up the wall, so much that the cracklines start re-appearing and a damaged soul resurfaces? It would be so much harder to piece him back by then...
Unnecessary worries and thinking too much. I think I lack the confidence in myself. Feeling loved, but yet insecure, by being his choice. What if the feelings fade? What if I am never as good as i seemed? What if I become too boring and not understanding enough? So many what ifs, so unhealthy for my mind. I am that plain-looking vase which had been sitting in that corner spot, so afraid of taking risks for fear of falling, and never wanting to become an attractive vase. There are hardly any cracks on my surface, but I am just an unsightly vase in that unlikely corner, just remaining at status quo.
Thank you Ryan for picking this vase that is not eye-catching at all. Thanks for always giving me the assurance I need, for standing by me, and being gentle with me. Do not ever ever change yourself just because of things I have said in my blog, and do not ever ever neglect your own feelings for mine. I may be plain, but I am a lot stronger than I look.
Self reminder: “Love is a choice.”
There will be days that we might be unhappy about each other, but the decision lies within to always look toward one another, and find reasons why we chose each other in the very beginning.
And so I will continue to document what I love about Ryan, just in case I forget my beginnings and the first decisions I had made.
Just the feeling that I am not good enough. Too self-centred, not listening enough, not asking him about what he likes and dislikes, not being understanding enough. Useless and lazy at so many things like chores, work and life in general. I think it might be a potential problem for us in future, because he might end up doing everything and I end up not contributing enough, and then he might feel burdened and tired and all 😟
I really need to start giving more. Start small by giving 100% attention first, since I sometimes end up switching off if its something I don’t wanna hear or feel like hearing. Like after being nagged at for too long and its easy to just switch off instead of arguing or stating a point.
Ryan, you really are an extinct dinosaur... which guy does budgeting, financial planning, household chores, cooking (or at least preparing and making food), being so selfless for family and extended family, doesnt mind chaffeuring everyone around, planning for the future and for dates, on top of staying fit and spending time with friends and family, your own interests, and so much more... How can I not feel inadequate?! I’m having trouble even doing my work properly and taking care of myself, much less to say taking care of others around me? I want to be there to help him out; I never want him to feel the burnout ever again, but sometimes I feel that I am just adding to his burden and being over-reliant on him. That gives him so much more to carry on his shoulders... and when theres too much to handle, there will be meltdowns which would be super unhappy. Sigh.
I realised that every person is like a vase. Some came with cracks more than the others. Some had been smashed but pieced back together again. Everyone would have been damaged, some more severely than the others, some unmendable, some will take forever to slowly piece it back. Ryan says he was once depressed and distant at some point of time. Which means the cracklines has already been formed, and too much provocation could deepen the cracklines and shatter him. While I hope to be the glue to mend his cracks, and never to be the destroyer that breaks him. But what if I accidentally and unintentionally drive him up the wall, so much that the cracklines start re-appearing and a damaged soul resurfaces? It would be so much harder to piece him back by then...
Unnecessary worries and thinking too much. I think I lack the confidence in myself. Feeling loved, but yet insecure, by being his choice. What if the feelings fade? What if I am never as good as i seemed? What if I become too boring and not understanding enough? So many what ifs, so unhealthy for my mind. I am that plain-looking vase which had been sitting in that corner spot, so afraid of taking risks for fear of falling, and never wanting to become an attractive vase. There are hardly any cracks on my surface, but I am just an unsightly vase in that unlikely corner, just remaining at status quo.
Thank you Ryan for picking this vase that is not eye-catching at all. Thanks for always giving me the assurance I need, for standing by me, and being gentle with me. Do not ever ever change yourself just because of things I have said in my blog, and do not ever ever neglect your own feelings for mine. I may be plain, but I am a lot stronger than I look.
Self reminder: “Love is a choice.”
There will be days that we might be unhappy about each other, but the decision lies within to always look toward one another, and find reasons why we chose each other in the very beginning.
And so I will continue to document what I love about Ryan, just in case I forget my beginnings and the first decisions I had made.
Wednesday, January 3, 2018
New Year’s eve and day
Me and Ryan have finally got our differences settled, and back to being the super loving and overly touchy couple again (Oops).
It feels super good to iron out all the bad feelings, to resolve our own selfish thoughts, and go back to being how we were when we first started, and being even closer now. I will be giving him time to slowly wean off his dating apps. After all we started off too quickly and pretty sure he haven’t had enough time to get over that fact and destroy those habits that were nurtured because of those dating apps. Not even sure how I managed to get him to understand, but it was through a lot of long texts, and my angsty feelings which probed him to think for me as well. So glad that eventually he realised what he was doing was harmful to me, and I am even more glad that his decision is to continue being with me. ❤️
Although I really do have my flaws, such as my lack of planning, impromptu-ness, not having enough time for him, and end up relying on him to do all the work, but I really enjoy every single moment of being together with him, helping each other out for the littlest things. Its really not the activities that matter. I am content just sitting beside him and not needing to do anything~ Which was why I eventually suggested that if all else fails we should go to a cafe and nua for hours. HAHA. Guess he got a bit scared of that too LOL.
Anyways, I spent almost the entire New Year’s Eve with him. It was a super rainy day (non stop raining from 10am on 31sr until 3pm on 1st), but we managed to get from my house to Parkway Parade (YAY to free shuttle!). And then walking around PP looking for umbrella and ended up buying a $10 umbrella from Challenger. Like who knows Challenger sells umbrellas other than electronics?! When we wanted to leave PP, rhe sky cleared up and the rain stopped (finally!), so we went to the hawker centre to get a cheap dinner (less than $10 for 2 🙃). I do like the way he does his budget control, its really good to be mindful of your spending, such that we could have better used that amount to spend on other things. I have been living quite lavishly on good lunches, so its good to have him control my food spending too!
After dinner was when we started our search of ofo bikes (COZ ITS FREE), got 2 and started cycling to marina~ Lucky for the midway bike change, else I might really have difficulty going up the bridge. Went to the breakwater further up marina barrage, then to the super crowded marina barrage, then back to gardens east to warch 1 round of 9pm fireworks before it started raining and we headed to tanjong rhu bridge to seek shelter. And hobo in that shelter all the way till 4am~
His singing voice is actually super calming and gentle. Though not the best pitch, but it sounds super good coz it sounds like he is singing for me 😍 And I love how he does everything and prepared for everything, such that I never need to worry at all. And lying beside him watching him sleep is also the best feeling ever. Then feeling safe in his arms while i slept is also a super good feeling <3 Having his face so close to mine, our random kisses, his warm hands touching me... totally perfect night 😍❤️
Anyways 4+am we cycled in the rain to City Hall (which was really crowded max), before heading to the airport at 6+ for breakfast and to meet his family. Legit the whole family already HAHAHAHA. And now I know why he is the only one left on the shelf hmmmm. His bros really more goodlooking and buff OOPS. But pretty sure Ryan is the one with the best heart, most similar character to me, and really 不嫌弃我 ❤️
His family is really quite cute and friendly. Very humourous. All the comments after they see me, quite epic funny sia HAHAHAH. And really can tell they are a super close knit family, like even closer than mine. No wonder he always HTHT with his parents. Super loving and fun family~
(Non New Year post ahead)
And because we just had the same disagreement again of how I am gonna meet my friends instead of him on the coming Friday, I feel so guilty yet again. I want more nights like new year night, and more time to spend together with him. But somehow I want to meet my friends too, especially since they are the most innocent ones coz they don’t know that I am in a relationship. How can I be so selfish to want the best of both worlds? Me OT-ing half the time for work, and now I am left with so limited time for personal use. And yet I have to meet him more than I should meet my friends. Not that I am angry, but I think it’s my fault that I didn’t even try to push away my friends by saying I can’t make it. Its like I don’t respect Ryan’s time at all and kept his hopes up, only to send it crashing down again just because I have other commitments. For this reason, I might not want to do NDP this year. Anyways NDP was all along because I was bored with noone else to meet which was why I started on it.
I really need to put him as my number 1 priority, stop giving him false hopes and empty promises, have better time management and less procrastination. All these are my absolute flaws which I should be working to change them... I am really not as perfect as I wish to be. But I should try for the sake of myself, and for everyone present and future who loves me.
It feels super good to iron out all the bad feelings, to resolve our own selfish thoughts, and go back to being how we were when we first started, and being even closer now. I will be giving him time to slowly wean off his dating apps. After all we started off too quickly and pretty sure he haven’t had enough time to get over that fact and destroy those habits that were nurtured because of those dating apps. Not even sure how I managed to get him to understand, but it was through a lot of long texts, and my angsty feelings which probed him to think for me as well. So glad that eventually he realised what he was doing was harmful to me, and I am even more glad that his decision is to continue being with me. ❤️
Although I really do have my flaws, such as my lack of planning, impromptu-ness, not having enough time for him, and end up relying on him to do all the work, but I really enjoy every single moment of being together with him, helping each other out for the littlest things. Its really not the activities that matter. I am content just sitting beside him and not needing to do anything~ Which was why I eventually suggested that if all else fails we should go to a cafe and nua for hours. HAHA. Guess he got a bit scared of that too LOL.
Anyways, I spent almost the entire New Year’s Eve with him. It was a super rainy day (non stop raining from 10am on 31sr until 3pm on 1st), but we managed to get from my house to Parkway Parade (YAY to free shuttle!). And then walking around PP looking for umbrella and ended up buying a $10 umbrella from Challenger. Like who knows Challenger sells umbrellas other than electronics?! When we wanted to leave PP, rhe sky cleared up and the rain stopped (finally!), so we went to the hawker centre to get a cheap dinner (less than $10 for 2 🙃). I do like the way he does his budget control, its really good to be mindful of your spending, such that we could have better used that amount to spend on other things. I have been living quite lavishly on good lunches, so its good to have him control my food spending too!
After dinner was when we started our search of ofo bikes (COZ ITS FREE), got 2 and started cycling to marina~ Lucky for the midway bike change, else I might really have difficulty going up the bridge. Went to the breakwater further up marina barrage, then to the super crowded marina barrage, then back to gardens east to warch 1 round of 9pm fireworks before it started raining and we headed to tanjong rhu bridge to seek shelter. And hobo in that shelter all the way till 4am~
His singing voice is actually super calming and gentle. Though not the best pitch, but it sounds super good coz it sounds like he is singing for me 😍 And I love how he does everything and prepared for everything, such that I never need to worry at all. And lying beside him watching him sleep is also the best feeling ever. Then feeling safe in his arms while i slept is also a super good feeling <3 Having his face so close to mine, our random kisses, his warm hands touching me... totally perfect night 😍❤️
Anyways 4+am we cycled in the rain to City Hall (which was really crowded max), before heading to the airport at 6+ for breakfast and to meet his family. Legit the whole family already HAHAHAHA. And now I know why he is the only one left on the shelf hmmmm. His bros really more goodlooking and buff OOPS. But pretty sure Ryan is the one with the best heart, most similar character to me, and really 不嫌弃我 ❤️
His family is really quite cute and friendly. Very humourous. All the comments after they see me, quite epic funny sia HAHAHAH. And really can tell they are a super close knit family, like even closer than mine. No wonder he always HTHT with his parents. Super loving and fun family~
(Non New Year post ahead)
And because we just had the same disagreement again of how I am gonna meet my friends instead of him on the coming Friday, I feel so guilty yet again. I want more nights like new year night, and more time to spend together with him. But somehow I want to meet my friends too, especially since they are the most innocent ones coz they don’t know that I am in a relationship. How can I be so selfish to want the best of both worlds? Me OT-ing half the time for work, and now I am left with so limited time for personal use. And yet I have to meet him more than I should meet my friends. Not that I am angry, but I think it’s my fault that I didn’t even try to push away my friends by saying I can’t make it. Its like I don’t respect Ryan’s time at all and kept his hopes up, only to send it crashing down again just because I have other commitments. For this reason, I might not want to do NDP this year. Anyways NDP was all along because I was bored with noone else to meet which was why I started on it.
I really need to put him as my number 1 priority, stop giving him false hopes and empty promises, have better time management and less procrastination. All these are my absolute flaws which I should be working to change them... I am really not as perfect as I wish to be. But I should try for the sake of myself, and for everyone present and future who loves me.
Friday, December 29, 2017
Problems
I really dont know what happened between us, issit that we are becoming sour over each other now?
Am I too controlling? Tell me which girlfriend will like the boyfriend to still use Tinder to look at girls?! That is definitely one thing I really don’t like. Hello if we are official and you still wanna look at girls, then might as well just go date them and not look for me??
Thats rather screwed up. Now I lost faith in men. Again. Argh.
Indeed we need to talk. He is like blowing hot and cold on me now. I guess he really is confused and doesn’t exactly know what he wants? Physical intimacy I might not be able to give, physical body I can’t satisfy his wants either, character-wise we might make a rather good match, but did we really manage to connect that emotionally?
I just want someone who can give me his 100% and treat me well. Is that really very hard? I can do without some physical intimacy because foreplay is definitely not everything. Am I really that hard to get along with? I am super serious about this relationship, with the thought of marriage in mind in fact. I feel he is someone who can be the father to my children, someone who really places family above all else.
We meet too much and thats a problem. Meet too little also potentially a problem.
Forget I said anything about meeting. Then i’m not gonna mert you until you make up your decision whether or not I am still worth it.
This shit is so upsetting. I am super affected by his words and his weird decisions. For a moment in the morning he happily says he can’t live without texting. Next moment he says he is going silent.
But I still hope his decision will be still to be with me... SIGH.
(Update)
He told me he has no intention of breaking off with me. YAY. I forgot what I am angry about! HAHAHAHA. -too easily satisfied-
Just he is going through a rough patch with many uncertainties about love and work I guess... which resulted in his emotional roller coaster.
Now I’m thinking, does he lack confidence in himself to make this relationship last? Hmmmmm.
I should lay the ground that we are in this for a real long term relationship.
Am I too controlling? Tell me which girlfriend will like the boyfriend to still use Tinder to look at girls?! That is definitely one thing I really don’t like. Hello if we are official and you still wanna look at girls, then might as well just go date them and not look for me??
Thats rather screwed up. Now I lost faith in men. Again. Argh.
Indeed we need to talk. He is like blowing hot and cold on me now. I guess he really is confused and doesn’t exactly know what he wants? Physical intimacy I might not be able to give, physical body I can’t satisfy his wants either, character-wise we might make a rather good match, but did we really manage to connect that emotionally?
I just want someone who can give me his 100% and treat me well. Is that really very hard? I can do without some physical intimacy because foreplay is definitely not everything. Am I really that hard to get along with? I am super serious about this relationship, with the thought of marriage in mind in fact. I feel he is someone who can be the father to my children, someone who really places family above all else.
We meet too much and thats a problem. Meet too little also potentially a problem.
Forget I said anything about meeting. Then i’m not gonna mert you until you make up your decision whether or not I am still worth it.
This shit is so upsetting. I am super affected by his words and his weird decisions. For a moment in the morning he happily says he can’t live without texting. Next moment he says he is going silent.
But I still hope his decision will be still to be with me... SIGH.
(Update)
He told me he has no intention of breaking off with me. YAY. I forgot what I am angry about! HAHAHAHA. -too easily satisfied-
Just he is going through a rough patch with many uncertainties about love and work I guess... which resulted in his emotional roller coaster.
Now I’m thinking, does he lack confidence in himself to make this relationship last? Hmmmmm.
I should lay the ground that we are in this for a real long term relationship.
Thursday, December 28, 2017
Too hard too strong
Sorry I came on as too fast too hard and too strong 😞
I just wanted to give you a surprise because you had been feeling lousy at work, and I thought it will help. I just did some random googling and found out where you would appear, but once I saw the helplessness and disappointment in your eyes, I knew it was a wrong decision already.
Sigh I promise I will never ever do this again :(
Feeling super guilty, full of reproach, disappointed with myself, and wondering what the future holds. Relationships are really not a bed of roses; I am still figuring out myself. And with my clingy insecurity, its really really bad for both of us.
I am scared...
I’m trying to be normal, but its so hard after a little disagreement...
I just wanted to give you a surprise because you had been feeling lousy at work, and I thought it will help. I just did some random googling and found out where you would appear, but once I saw the helplessness and disappointment in your eyes, I knew it was a wrong decision already.
Sigh I promise I will never ever do this again :(
Feeling super guilty, full of reproach, disappointed with myself, and wondering what the future holds. Relationships are really not a bed of roses; I am still figuring out myself. And with my clingy insecurity, its really really bad for both of us.
I am scared...
I’m trying to be normal, but its so hard after a little disagreement...
Monday, December 25, 2017
First Monthsary 25.12.17
Today is the first monthsary with Ryan <3 HAPPY DAY TODAY!
First we went Henderson wave & Hort Park, then Harbourfront Centre for Koi, then trained down to stadium for ice skating, cycled to MBS then walked to Sushi express for dinner, then walked to Timbre for drinks before going home~
SUPER WELL SPENT DAY I LIKE SIAAAA.
From 8am till 9pm~ 13 hours with Ryan 😍
Favourite thing to do is holding his hand and hugging him~ And he wrote me a message hehe. In return for my letter (:
Merry Christmas Jiayi!
It's been a smooth and exciting first month with you ❤️ Till now I wonder how did we manage to go official on the 4th date without any fanciful flowers, gifts or setting hehe. I don't even remember if I confessed.
I love how we are able to open up to each other so easily, how much we can tell each other thoughts and feelings, and how quickly I can forgive you each time I'm triggered by something you say or do hahahaha!
I'm sorry how many times I must have crossed your line, but I'm thankful and appreciative for your patience. Slowly but surely, you are guiding me back onto the socially acceptable path. Thank you for being around to support me at the recent troughs of my first 14 months of my career, for I am sure these experiences will build not just myself, but us both up. I'm also happy to be there to listen to your rants and problems. These tribulations will only strengthen our relationship, and my love and appreciation for you hehe!
The coming months won't be easy, and especially since our work schedules are going to step up to occupy more of our time. Quarrels and arguments will be making appearances in the coming months whether we like it or not, but I'm sure we will always have each other's best interests at heart at the end of the day🙆🏻♂️You'll continue be in my thoughts on days we don't meet hahaha! Here's to more fun, challenges to overcome and memories ahead!
Happy first month hehehehe ❤️
很爱很爱你 Ryan!~ 谢谢你所做的一切
And the first nonthsary letter i did:
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