Living in my own world

Time and time again, I have proven him wrong. I have not met any of his expectations. I didn’t take what he told me into mind, because i assume its just a passing phase. I have caused him so much hurt. Just because of stupid assumptions.

I couldn’t tell that he was hiding behind a mask. I couldn’t tell that he was hiding behind the texting screen and still feeling lousy. I couldn’t tell that he is putting on a pretence, that everything is fine, and feelings are normal. 

I am such a bad girlfriend. I know communication is key, but I assume everything is good when I am good. This is ultimate stupidity to the next level. Am I really taking advantage of his love, and wearing him down of it? Am I ignoring his feelings just because I don’t see it? 

I have done him so much wrong. This trip to Taiwan, I am constantly thinking about him. Wondering what to buy for him, wondering what to get for his family... then I remembered I needed to buy for my Ahma and my fam too. Just thinking is not enough for sure. I need to show it. But stupid me is keeping things to myself. 

Why did I not call him up when I reached the hotel? Why did I forget that I told him I would try to call? Why am I so scared of how others view me? I realised by texting relentlessly, it has already affected the opinion of others. But why did I still not take the initiative to call? Why am I not interested in what is happening back at home? Why am I so damn dumb, to realise the good in front of me, and not cherish it the way I should? 

I don’t ever want to let him go. But yet I am moulding him towards what I want. My mood swings. My on and off feelings. Bringing him up for a moment and then send him crashing down the next. This rollercoaster has got to go. Its causing us too much harm. Way too much. And I will definitely regret the moment it moves downhill and crashes into hell. 

Its time to wake up from my own world. Time is not going to wait for anyone. People are not going to be there forever. Good things will never last forever. If we know that we are right for each other, then why am I not putting in the proper effort to maintain and sustain and to bring it further? We really really love each other. But love isn’t going to make things happen just by dreaming about it. I need to act on it.

Self-centred me is crazy. Its ruining everyone around me. Its causing so much lost opportunities. Its wearing out the ones closest to me. Things do not revolve around me and life goes on. My issues aren’t the most major. My issues are nothing compared to what everyone is going through. I am not being the supportive person he wants to be with. I am not making myself available to him because I closed those doors and got caught up in a whirlwind of work. And these would eventually make him lose more trust and faith in me that I will no longer be the exclusive person whom he can confide in. 

His dad asked me for 3 reasons why I love Ryan. 

1) He cares a lot about me and sacrifices so much for me

2) He has the same ideas, thoughts, and core values as me: being family centred 

3) He is responsible, towards me, his work, and his family

All these conflicts we are having these days have made me forget why I chose him, and why I fell for him. I feel burdened and guilty. Why can’t I provide the same for him as he does for me? In this relationship, have I only been thinking I am the perfect one?

OMG I seriously can’t believe myself... i need a brand new mindset, to be a person that puts others in front of myself. 

Arghhhhhh. SELFISH SELFISH SELFISH

T_T

Conflicted

I really dont know what I am feeling. Its just a mix of so many emotions, there is almost no way to separate it into its different compartments. Upset, anger, sadness, loved, happiness, bliss, worried, guilty, selfishness, selflessness, independence, clingy... and it all just arises from 1 act. Which is him delivering dinner from his house to Raffles and to my house, and then back home again.

Here I am feeling all these emotions all at once. The act itself gives me so much happiness, bliss and love, but also because of him having to travel all the way down from far away makes me feel guilty, then worried if he will have enough to eat and sleep, anger and sadness at myself for being a burden, selfish and clingy thoughts coz a tiny part of him still wants him to do the same again one day, but rational me tells me to be independent and selfless to give him enough freedom to do what he wants. And I am terribly stuck in a spot, and is so affected by it that I practicallt stayed silent the entire phone call.

I am not used to having someone treat me so well. Helplessly wondering what else can i do in return, but then love is not a race that we have to win each other in. So many things holding me back, yet so many things that I want to push for too. Being on the receiving end, and always not knowing what should my next action be. Thanks is never enough, and sorries is not enough either.

To be honest, its not just the matter of today’s dinner episode. But its also because of what he told me yesterday, of what his parents didn’t like about our relationship. I am never a rebel; I  can’t just heck their thoughts and continue like what I always do. To a certain extent I will be affected by their words, but I will listen, and adjust accordingly. I don’t want to be putting him in a spot, or forcing him to choose between me or his parents. That is absolute nonsense. But seeing him sandwiched between both parties, I feel the pain on his behalf, but I perfectly understand where his parents are coming from too.

Having to take everyone’s thoughts and feelings into consideration, society’s social norms and way of thoughts, keeping up to an expected image, becoming the expectation that others have of me... So many things pulling me in all the different directions, tearing me apart slowly, and there’s me trying to protect the original me, but yet unknowingly taking a side only to be pulled to tbe other end again.

So should I continue to follow my heart? I think my heart knows best. For sure Ryan is my one and only, and all these is just part and parcel of life. My heart tells me, anything with Ryan will be the bestest place. With care and concern towards Ryan, then will such feelings and thoughts surface.

Now back to my de facto mode. Time to get a good sleep, forget about my worries and stress, then back to the usual me. The one who believes that staying optimistic trumps everything. That nothing cannot be cured with just some time. That happiness is the way of life, and bring joy to everyone around amidst chaos and uncertainty.

if I were to advertise my boyfriend

https://mobile.nytimes.com/2017/03/03/style/modern-love-you-may-want-to-marry-my-husband.html?referer=https://mobile.nytimes.com/2017/12/27/style/10-ways-to-love-better.html?referer=http://m.facebook.com

Idk whats with me and my suddenly active tearglands when it comes to the topics of death. Crying again in the middle of the night as I read this article, putting myself in the shoes of the dying author. This made me think about Ryan again. Because what if this is what’s happening to me? If that happens, I am sure I would want him to move on in life without me. 

Following the style of writing of the author: 

“I met Ryan through a dating app, in November 2017. I had merely been on the app for 2+ months, and then I clicked ‘interested’ on this profile, where the guy in the picture was holding 2 watermelons with a sunny smile, and who happened to have graduated from the same polytechnic as me. We linked up through the app, first chatting about what we missed about our alma mater, then to our family background and upbringing, and to the discussion about volunteering as usher for NDP, I was drawn in to this guy who seems to enjoy the same acivities and has the same thinking as me. As the chat expired, we gradually moved to Telegram, and on one of the Saturdays,  he was asking about something else but I gave him my phone number and Instagram username out of the blue instead. Of course he was stunned and as we continued to talk, he finally asked me out on a date on a Tuesday night after work. 

Ryan is a caring family-centred man. We first met on his brother’s birthday, and he told me he couldn’t stay out late as he needed to go back to celebrate his bday. In the days following after, I started to like him more and more, as we texted about almost anything. On the Friday night of that particular week, I stayed out late with my colleagues, and was caught without a ride back home. As I was grumbling to him through text, he offered to come fetch me home, despite being tired from his run. That was only our second meetup, and he was willing to go through such extents to pickup someone he barely knew, and I was so touched and overwhelmed at his actions. Thats when I knew I wanted to be with him, such a gentle thoughtful man, who was willing to go to any extent for someone he likes. 

Within these short few months of dating, he has demonstrated perseverence, to create our shared future and striving to be a better version of himself. He has went through great distances, just to spend time together with me. He is a thrifty and smart man, saving up for our future and for rainy days, dabbling in long term investments to provide better returns of our nest egg. He is a filial son, sparing a thought for his parents and wanting to spend more time with them. A hardworking and well-liked responsible worker, as he is entrusted with learning the ropes and taking on heavier responsibilities at his workplace. 

Did I even mention how cute he is. Although he is very much the good man, planning for the future, he still carries boyish charms and has an inquisitive mind, always keen to explore about everything. 

I have only seen so much of what he is. The future is unknown, but I see in him a family man who makes time and effort to spend with his wife and children. I see in him a nurturing, gentle father, who would take pains just to let his core family enjoy a better life. A man who will cook and clean, for the family’s health and nutrition. A lot more, which I will slowly find out as I pass the milestones with him.”

And don’t worry about me; I am not in pain or any discomfort now. Just that I hope nothing bad ever happens to either of us, and we both can live a long life together, have a home and family of our own, friends and relatives who dotes on us, a meaningful life spent walking through the path of life, holding hands and never letting go. 

If i lost you

I randomly read a post about death of a loved one, and it suddenly got me thinking of death.

Now i’m crying for no reason, just because I can’t face the thought of what will happen if I lost Ryan T_T

A random pang of pain and loads of helplessness, if ever I lose him suddenly. I now realise how much I treasure him and really love him. How I will never ever let him go because I am already prepared to go through thick and thin, ups and downs with him.

How will I ever survive if I lose him when we have a family to call our own? As much as I know he wouldn’t want to see me sad, but if that happens I will be so devastated that I wonder if I can ever function alone anymore...

The tears doesn’t seem to be stopping. Ryan please always stay safe and healthy!!! I love you and will never ever want to let you go <3

What I want from a relationship

So my colleagues were discussing about my boyfriend during lunchtime, and they commented that Ryan looks really fanily oriented. And SY asked everyone if thats what they would want in their boyfriends. Almost all of them didn’t want a family oriented kinda guy, except for PS who was kinda sitting on the fence. I openly admitted that I was looking for a family oriented guy from the very beginning, and they kinda understand where I am coming from since I always have a lot of family gatherings and I will want my bf to be able to attend as well. Theres 2 definitions to family oriented though; one is mumny’s boy (backward looking), another is being centred around the future family and the current gf (forward looking). I am so glad that Ryan is a mix of both,  but he isn’t a mummy’s boy hehe~

Maybe I have been writing it too obviously on my face that I am so ready to get married... I know that me and Ryan started off really quickly after texting each other for like less than 2 weeks, then getting together on our 3rd meetup. Fastgame in terms of others, but for me, if he is someone whom I can spend the rest of my life with, i didn’t miss out at all by skipping through the push and pulls of dating. Because while dating officially, we are still able to enjoy the joys of being together, with the additional commitment of a serious relationship.

My life goal is to get married, have kids, retire peacefully, then spend the rest of our years taking care of my partner and doing things which we love together. Climbing the corporate ladder has never been my concern; I never ever want to be a slave to the company. Traditional mindset much. But these big goals might possibly scare away some men, but I am so thankful that Ryan thinks similarly as me regarding this~ But the only difference is that I am not as detailed in planning for the future as he is. Never ever considered the budget, the cost of living, etc., but he has given a thought about it, and even factored in the maximum number of kids we should have based on our budget.

What I want in life is rather simple. Get a nomal paying job which doesn’t require me to work especially long hours, live in a 4 room HDB, owning a car is not the most necessary item, just being able to sustain a small family without worrying too much about living expenses. In fact, I don’t even need a place to call my own and can even move in with the in-laws (free dinner eh!). If my parents can do it, then why can’t I lead that same lifestyle too? Remember that my parents are not the most well-to-do; they are just normal salaried workers with their own set of family problems, but they are my role models towards my life decisions. Although times have changed and the costs had changed as well, but the essence of the life I want isn’t that far different I guess.

Innocence

Somehow I am seeing the younger self in people’s eyes. But I can only see it in very few people. Like when they are sharing bits and pieces of their childhood. When their eyes light up when they see their favourite things. Or when they are worried about their family or loved ones. 

It is the helpless innocence when they are aware of something that they can do nothing about. Or the innocent happiness when they finally get what they wanted or when they see someone. And the childish worries even when there’s nothing wrong. 

Actually, if you can see it in someone’s eyes, I guess the person did have an awesome childhood. Only such good experience would allow someone to retain the original innocence, even when the person has matured and excelling in their field of work and study. 

All in all, it is a super cute trait to have~ People should retain more of such innocence; it really makes the environment livelier, the people happier, the workplace less stressful, and relationships stronger. 

#randomthoughts

Integration

When your boyfriend has been integrated into the family ❤️

Ever since being exposed last week, we already had family dinner with 阿姨 and 小舅 yesterday. Knowing that my family were all so eager for me to find a boyfriend, and that joy and elated look that surfaced on their face when we appeared. Ahgong was so shocked when I appeared with Ryan, but his face became solemn but happy thereafter. Ahma was also super happy and eagerly invited him over for CNY. The rest of the uncles and aunties just started intro-ing themselves using their name and then shake hands with him. Like a cute only.

YAY my family loves him too! Not that he wouldn’t pass any of the tests, but its good to know that he has been officially accepted~ and then they can finally stop worrying about me liaos. Ryan is seriously the best ever person and the most suitable person for me sia. My rare dinosaur ❤️

10feb reunion dinner with my dads side, and he will be coming too 🙃

Wait for more shocked faces HOHO. -inserts evil laughs-

I have been going around dropping way too many bombs on the people in my life  HAHAHAHA

Next mission to bond better with his family~ 24feb!

有你，真好

有你，真好！

今晚工作加班了。原本约好的晚餐和拍拖时间也泡汤了。
但是谢谢你那么的谅解我，知道我做工真的辛苦了。

谢谢你遥远的过来接我。而我办公室也不是什么好去处，人多车也多… 送我去吃晚餐， 还包送回家，好感恩。

我原本好害怕你会对我失望，因为期待已久的周末约会时间，因为工作变少了。你还拼命地解释说你并没有生气，没责怪我，没嫌弃我。我因此感到好安慰，好感激。

你像天使一般的来到我生命，那么的照顾我、疼爱我、关心我。万分的谢谢！

我爱你哦 Ryan！

Insecurities

Not that there had been any disagreements or quarrels, but just randomly feeling down for no reason. And it is just a littleeee bit of negativity, which will pass~

Just the feeling that I am not good enough. Too self-centred, not listening enough, not asking him about what he likes and dislikes, not being understanding enough. Useless and lazy at so many things like chores, work and life in general. I think it might be a potential problem for us in future, because he might end up doing everything and I end up not contributing enough, and then he might feel burdened and tired and all 😟

I really need to start giving more. Start small by giving 100% attention first, since I sometimes end up switching off if its something I don’t wanna hear or feel like hearing. Like after being nagged at for too long and its easy to just switch off instead of arguing or stating a point.

Ryan, you really are an extinct dinosaur... which guy does budgeting, financial planning, household chores, cooking (or at least preparing and making food), being so selfless for family and extended family, doesnt mind chaffeuring everyone around, planning for the future and for dates, on top of staying fit and spending time with friends and family, your own interests, and so much more... How can I not feel inadequate?! I’m having trouble even doing my work properly and taking care of myself, much less to say taking care of others around me? I want to be there to help him out; I never want him to feel the burnout ever again, but sometimes I feel that I am just adding to his burden and being over-reliant on him. That gives him so much more to carry on his shoulders... and when theres too much to handle, there will be meltdowns which would be super unhappy. Sigh.

I realised that every person is like a vase. Some came with cracks more than the others. Some had been smashed but pieced back together again. Everyone would have been damaged, some more severely than the others, some unmendable, some will take forever to slowly piece it back. Ryan says he was once depressed and distant at some point of time. Which means the cracklines has already been formed, and too much provocation could deepen the cracklines and shatter him. While I hope to be the glue to mend his cracks, and never to be the destroyer that breaks him. But what if I accidentally and unintentionally drive him up the wall, so much that the cracklines start re-appearing and a damaged soul resurfaces? It would be so much harder to piece him back by then...

Unnecessary worries and thinking too much. I think I lack the confidence in myself. Feeling loved, but yet insecure, by being his choice. What if the feelings fade? What if I am never as good as i seemed? What if I become too boring and not understanding enough? So many what ifs, so unhealthy for my mind. I am that plain-looking vase which had been sitting in that corner spot, so afraid of taking risks for fear of falling, and never wanting to become an attractive vase. There are hardly any cracks on my surface, but I am just an unsightly vase in that unlikely corner, just remaining at status quo.

Thank you Ryan for picking this vase that is not eye-catching at all. Thanks for always giving me the assurance I need, for standing by me, and being gentle with me. Do not ever ever change yourself just because of things I have said in my blog, and do not ever ever neglect your own feelings for mine. I may be plain, but I am a lot stronger than I look.


Self reminder: “Love is a choice.”

There will be days that we might be unhappy about each other, but the decision lies within to always look toward one another, and find reasons why we chose each other in the very beginning.

And so I will continue to document what I love about Ryan, just in case I forget my beginnings and the first decisions I had made.

New Year’s eve and day

Me and Ryan have finally got our differences settled, and back to being the super loving and overly touchy couple again (Oops).

It feels super good to iron out all the bad feelings, to resolve our own selfish thoughts, and go back to being how we were when we first started, and being even closer now. I will be giving him time to slowly wean off his dating apps. After all we started off too quickly and pretty sure he haven’t had enough time to get over that fact and destroy those habits that were nurtured because of those dating apps. Not even sure how I managed to get him to understand, but it was through a lot of long texts, and my angsty feelings which probed him to think for me as well. So glad that eventually he realised what he was doing was harmful to me, and I am even more glad that his decision is to continue being with me. ❤️

Although I really do have my flaws, such as my lack of planning, impromptu-ness, not having enough time for him, and end up relying on him to do all the work, but I really enjoy every single moment of being together with him, helping each other out for the littlest things. Its really not the activities that matter. I am content just sitting beside him and not needing to do anything~ Which was why I eventually suggested that if all else fails we should go to a cafe and nua for hours. HAHA. Guess he got a bit scared of that too LOL.

Anyways, I spent almost the entire New Year’s Eve with him. It was a super rainy day (non stop raining from 10am on 31sr until 3pm on 1st), but we managed to get from my house to Parkway Parade (YAY to free shuttle!). And then walking around PP looking for umbrella and ended up buying a $10 umbrella from Challenger. Like who knows Challenger sells umbrellas other than electronics?! When we wanted to leave PP, rhe sky cleared up and the rain stopped (finally!), so we went to the hawker centre to get a cheap dinner (less than $10 for 2 🙃). I do like the way he does his budget control, its really good to be mindful of your spending, such that we could have better used that amount to spend on other things. I have been living quite lavishly on good lunches, so its good to have him control my food spending too!

After dinner was when we started our search of ofo bikes (COZ ITS FREE), got 2 and started cycling to marina~ Lucky for the midway bike change, else I might really have difficulty going up the bridge.  Went to the breakwater further up marina barrage,  then to the super crowded marina barrage, then back to gardens east to warch 1 round of 9pm fireworks before it started raining and we headed to tanjong rhu bridge to seek shelter. And hobo in that shelter all the way till 4am~

His singing voice is actually super calming and gentle. Though not the best pitch, but it sounds super good coz it sounds like he is singing for me 😍 And I love how he does everything and prepared for everything, such that I never need to worry at all. And lying beside him watching him sleep is also the best feeling ever. Then feeling safe in his arms while i slept is also a super good feeling <3 Having his face so close to mine, our random kisses, his warm hands touching me... totally perfect night 😍❤️

Anyways 4+am we cycled in the rain to City Hall (which was really crowded max), before heading to the airport at 6+ for breakfast and to meet his family. Legit the whole family already HAHAHAHA. And now I know why he is the only one left on the shelf hmmmm. His bros really more goodlooking and buff OOPS. But pretty sure Ryan is the one with the best heart, most similar character to me, and really 不嫌弃我 ❤️

His family is really quite cute and friendly. Very humourous. All the comments after they see me, quite epic funny sia HAHAHAH. And really can tell they are a super close knit family, like even closer than mine. No wonder he always HTHT with his parents. Super loving and fun family~


(Non New Year post ahead)
And because we just had the same disagreement again of how I am gonna meet my friends instead of him on the coming Friday, I feel so guilty yet again. I want more nights like new year night, and more time to spend together with him. But somehow I want to meet my friends too, especially since they are the most innocent ones coz they don’t know that I am in a relationship. How can I be so selfish to want the best of both worlds? Me OT-ing half the time for work, and now I am left with so limited time for personal use. And yet I have to meet him more than I should meet my friends. Not that I am angry, but I think it’s my fault that I didn’t even try to push away my friends by saying I can’t make it. Its like I don’t respect Ryan’s time at all and kept his hopes up, only to send it crashing down again just because I have other commitments. For this reason, I might not want to do NDP this year. Anyways NDP was all along because I was bored with noone else to meet which was why I started on it.

I really need to put him as my number 1 priority, stop giving him false hopes and empty promises, have better time management and less procrastination. All these are my absolute flaws which I should be working to change them... I am really not as perfect as I wish to be. But I should try for the sake of myself, and for everyone present and future who loves me.