Friendships, moving backwards

I have a lot of friends; but time and time again I push them all away. Its just that I don't prioritise them first. Somehow I live for the memories, but I neglect the people in these memories. 

I never initiated anything, and if I do its actually for my own selfish reasons because I don't wanna be alone. One day retribution will definitely come when I can no longer find anyone around me... 

I need to stop being so self-centred. My friends all have a life and they do not revolve around me. I need to stop being so afraid of commitment. I can bury myself into work, but I can't manage to do the same for my friends. 

Both work and friendship requires time to nurture and maintain. But it just seems I can only manage with just 1 of the 2. Family is somewhat different because all I need to do is just be present. When it comes to friends, attendance is not enough. So much more thought and communication is needed. Appreciation is required as well, and I am a wooden block when it comes to this. 

Sudden realisation that I am in HK and I have no friends to buy anything for. Until my sis reminded me that I need to buy for Rachelle then i realised that I am very bad that I didn't get anything for anyone. I was like "I have no friends, only a bunch of forever hungry colleagues that I definitely need to bribe". And that's it. Another selfish motive. 

Now is it too late to turn back to get more goodies for my friends who I never know when I will meet... Sigh. Its really hard to manage time :( 

为何

为什么你又出现在我人生之中…… 去年我开始喜欢你，但我过后放下了。可是你最近又突然间开始和我聊天，这次我该怎么办！ 

明知道 我这头脑，最善长的就是胡思乱想，你又在接近我考试的时候出现… 好啦 这下子我就不能专心啦 (¬_¬)

整天又只是想着恋爱，什么别的都忽略了吧。哎… 

也许我应该改行去写作，把我脑海中的那些超不可能的爱情故事写出来。那可能我就不会一直放空。全都是我想和爱人做的事 （我说是很单纯的拥抱之类的）。哈哈。

这样吗，我以后的男朋友不是有的忙了？因为他得满足我这快25年 累计下的要求… （爆笑）

Work rants

 I don't rant about work usually, but I guess I am feeling really stressed out nowadays. There's so much to do but so little time. And i am not a fast worker, so i have no idea how I can pull this through... 

Chances are, i will default. Its not easy to need to study and work at the same time okay... whats more when there is this new BPO client. Which none of the 5 of us want to do since there are soooo much manual processing involved. Sighpie. I knew that work isn't going too well but i never expected it to get this bad. 

If only going on leave would mean that I am totally out and away from the shit that happens. I want to run away. Away from responsibilities, away from civilisation, away from all the stressful things. And just be a couch potato. 

Future seems bleak. The only highlight in my life is the upcoming holiday to Hong Kong, then it will be a non-stop marathon until at least April... 

***

It's the season of joy, fun, laughter and love now. Me jelly of everyone's love life. Brcause media brainwashed me and there seems to be too many celebrity couples. And when I see more celeb couples (ok drama couples are also damn sweet), I yearn for someone to be beside me too. Where thou art soulmate?

Celebrities are my basis of comparison now since i don't have that many attached friends. HAHAHAHA. I swear if one day all my single friends ask along all their single friends for some party, there will at least be one person who will walk away attached HAHA. Its called combining and expanding a pool of resources. But it is a good idea I think. Feels like back in the old days where everyone meets each other through friend of a friend. Mutual friends seems like the way to go. I have no faith in Tinder either, since I don't have the face to begin with. 

Ok back to being random, I wanna watch Infinity Challenge. HAHAHAHAHA. That is the only most achievable thing. 

Unachievable things: 

- finishing my work backlog

- in fact any form of work

- studying for BG

- get a boyfriend

WOW at the list. I'm sure it can go on forever.

SIGHHHHHHHHHHH 

To express what I feel with my life:

┻━┻︵╰(‵□′)╯︵┻━┻

Not just looks on the surface

When everyone says that this so and so person is handsome or pretty, I will be quite skeptical and be like ermmm ok la. Meaning, to me, he just doesn't interest me at all. Maybe thats why I will always choose dramas for the plot and less for the actors. But then again I hardly watch dramas. Other than whatever appears on tv. Somehow it just doesn't have the same effect on me. 

For me, I will only think that a person is handsome because of their talents. I am a sucker for talents. Anyone who knows more than what they specialise in, I will be like (☆_☆) Say Kim Soo Hyun, he is super goodlooking because in dream high he can act AND sing. And his voice is so awesome thats why. And after that I didn't watch his dramas because there's no more singing involved HAHA. 

As for Block B, its because Zico not only raps, but he can sing, compose, write music, be a leader of Block B, do variety shows... Totally all sorts of daebak things. A perfect idol ❤️ Plus, he is super daring in experimenting and exploring new styles :) 

U-kwon... I fell in love with his voice. He is known to be a dancer for Block B, but his voice is just perfect. He is good with his facial expressions which really adds colour to his song/dance. And most importantly, that eye smile *faints* 

For taiwanese bands, I love their singing more than their looks. Its all for the songs and their voices. 

 I guess my brain is just wired really differently. Or my tastes are not so strong hmm...

I wonder what happens if I am drunk

Because being drunk will make people do stupid things, so i wonder what sorts of stupid things will i do. I haven't ever been drunk, and neither do I wanna get drunk, but just being curious about what I will be like. 

For those usually hyperactive people, being drunk seems to make them drowsy and not hyperactive anymore. Quiet people will generally become more noisy. 

Since I am kinda in between I wonder what will happen. I think I will be asking all sorts of insensitive feeling questions like whether they still like who and who. Maybe its just me who kaypo

Think too much

Issit I am over-excited about what is yet to be? Damnz. No good. I have go control myself D: 

But its fun to talk to them guys teehee. Pokemon go bonds people ok! And snapchat does too. Or issit snorlax makes them jelly hmmmm. 

Gamer blood in me. More than any drama blood. Reasons why I can stick to a game even when everyone is quitting. Why can't I persevere as much for my work. After all work is what is feeding me right. 

Oh well if there are pokemon go dates, I will gladly go sia! Need a boyfriend. And need to game while I am at it. Nerdy max. :S

Lets see if any dates come true with my busy schedules and all~ 

On a side note: 4 days to Japan!!!! #excitez

Mud's last day

Today (assuming it is still 31 August since I am still awake) is Ahmad's last day with BCO... Quite sad that he's leaving. Although its for a mandatory thing since he is going to serve the country. 

Though the deliverables which he does are not exactly perfect, but he really has a super good heart and very easy-going with everyone in the team. Forever helping me with whatever I ask him to do because I hate keying in things. And always chatting with me, causing me to have no time to finish my work (oops). Yes I should totally cut down on my IM usage. 

Oh well Ahmad has been like my best intern friend since I tell him all sorts of gossip and nonsense. Like really can talk to him nonstop and disturb him a lot. But then again, Charmaine is also just as daebak. 

And today after giving him his present, he was so touched that he almost cried. So sweet sia. And its a longchamp bag. And when AAS saw the paper bag, their reactions were all like WAHHHH IS THAT REAL. And this Ahmad have to go and spoil the moment by sneaking off to the fridge to get the Royce chocolates he bought. Wanted to see him cry sia. 

And pokemon hunting is fun as usual. HAHA. 

"Never hunt alone; pokemon hunting is always better with someone around" - Annonymous (aka me) 

"Everyone has their ideal type"

The 2 girls from another NDP group who were trying so hard to matchmake me and to find a boyfriend amongst all the army guys there... (Yes I am at the age to be married off so I should get a boyfriend first -_-)

So they kept pestering me for my ideal type. And they kept saying that everyone will have their own ideal type. Because an ideal type can just be a simple trait like specs or age group. And i insisted that I don't have an ideal type. Mainly because I wanna keep my options open. 

Here goes:

- Aged between +10 and -2

- Taller than me

- Tanned (no 白斩鸡）

- Size bigger than me (in order to not make me look fat)

- Intellectual (so usually wears specs)

- If possible, from a UG (especially a UG guy who loved his cca and participated in  events etc)

- Eye smile is a huge plus (^.^) (I realised from my preferences of idols, they mostly have a really cute eye smile)

Am I pushing it? HAHAHAHA. Given that I'm 163cm, and Singapore guys average at 165cm... And 170cm sometimes look short beside me. 

And it also seems my pool is quite small, so by right it shouldn't be that hard? Whatevs. Let's just keep waiting~ 

Teehee

The girl who is so far away from love

http://thoughtcatalog.com/ashley-jones/2016/04/to-the-girls-who-havent-found-love/

Absolutely spoken from my heart. 

Guys leave me wondering; am I so damn undateable that noone will want to see me as a possible life partner? Anything rather than just a normal friend? 

I know my limits, and I know I am far from being the ideal type of anyone. In fact, I might be suffering from some inferiority complex, where I know I will never be as good as anyone out there. 

New media makes people think too much about those perfect looking exteriors, with an equally matching charismatic charecter. But me, the ordinary me, the girl that slowly fades away in the minds of others, will never ever be that. I doubt anyone will take a second glance at me. I don't believe that there is anyone who will look at me and go: "hey is this the girl I have been looking for my whole life". Because everything you see about me will never meet any expectations of an ideal type of yours. 

Another reminder to myself: the single and available guys are dwindling at this age. So many have found their life partners, prospectives, hopefullys... While I hardly have any crushes, still dreaming and waiting for the right one to come. 

I don't ask for a lot. Just someone who is better than me; coz I know I am lacking in so much. I am not hoping for some handsome idol-like guy, not a six pack buff guy. I just need a normal dependable guy, someone who can give me the love and hugs that I have missed this past 24 years...

Where art thou, future boyfie?

If i have to go for matchmaking...

Imagining the day that I have to go for matchmaking sessions...

Random guy: so what's your hobby?

Me: ermmm i like to sleep and eat? 

Seriously how does this even sound like a hobby. Dealing with people fail. 

Hais. 

So what do I like to do? Stay at home and nua in front of the tv? Such an ideal date. 

Not-to-be

Loved and lost.

I don't regret. 

:)

Backview 100 points

I didn't realise that I am that kinda girl. Where the backview damn pretty but turn around look like ruhua. HAHAHAHAHA. 

And I didn't realise that my backview is pretty. Coz today erica was saying that KK and KL told her in sec 1, that I looked good from the back but not from the front. SO FUNNY OMG. Why did I not know that. Then I can work on my backview rite. 

Then I also suddenly remembered that I once got approached by the model agency or something, because they saw my back and thought I very chio or something?! But sorry to disappoint, when I turned around and gave the I am not interested look. Then the girl backed off. HAHAHA. 

OK my life is quite a joke. I have grown in love with my backview now <3 

Maybe thats the prettiest thing about me. That time Valerie took a photo of my backview with Eugene! And yeah it does look quite nice. I guess its just my hair. *hairflips* 

 #funtimes o(^_^)o

Resignee

Yet another one resigned. And its for less than 3 months. Is my department really that hard?! Whatever happened to perseverence. And loyalty. And faith?! 

Is the grass really greener on the other side? Somehow the grass patches i compare seems to be so much drier. Or I just selectively not want to compare myself to those areas which are really green. 

I just keep on trying to find the silver lining. Don't really understand why would people not even give chance to themselves to even try to find a silver lining. 

I wonder if it is because of the people. I doubt so? Since I talk crap with everyone and we have so many treats and I am delusional that my colleagues are the most fun. Although it didn't start out so fun for me in the beginning, but things do get better. And it indeed got so much better hehe.

I sometimes wonder if it is the curse of me... Ever since I joined, the people who resigned are just increasing so quickly. Before me, there was not even a single person who resigned. Then after I came in slowly one by one people start leaving, new joiners come and go too... And the curse of me is that whatever things I am involved in would have poor attendance. Or lack of people in general. Not that I didn't put in effort, but it is just my luck? I definitely did not directly cause people to leave. 

Desperate family

Yes my family is way more tense about me getting a boyfriend. Hello do I look like I chose the single life?? The single life chose me! 

Its not like I have a lot of choices right? I mean all the guys out there have millions of choices who are way better than me! And men being aesthetic animals will hardly see beyond how I look. Just take a look around the girls at level 31. High heels, short skirts, makeup gao gao. Confident, pretty, great bods, people who actually look like they have a life outside of work. Then there's me. Plain, pimple outbreaks all the time, too lazy to care about how I look and dress. And I am nowhere near being that high self-esteem sorority kinda girl, who is actually really competent behind that beautiful face. 

Well not that I am not confident. I think I can still manage to face the world. Just a tad on the extremely clumsy and slow side. I say the wrong things half the time. And I can't carry a proper conversation for shit. Unless it revolves around me being a klutz. And I foresee that this part of me will never die away, because I have been like this my whole life. 

There's only so much that can be changed right? Nice guys finish last, and I am pretty sure I am the girl version of a nice guy. Peaceout and cross my fingers, that Mr (doesn't even need to be right), will come!~ 

PS guys that I actually talk to are still on the countable on 1 hand side. Trying to think if it even exceeds 1 finger...

Primary school

I dreamt of Pei Hwa, my primary school friend. Idk why but I dreamt that she is working in tax? Its been ages since I last saw her. We only met once coincidentally on bus 74, when i was Poly 1 or 2. Coz she was studying at NJC. Guess that was the first and last time I saw her after primary school. 

I guess I do miss primary school days. Especially being a brownie too. Wonder how my teachers are doing. Will always remember my P2 form teacher, Ms Alberque. Coz she was the one who helped to punish my bullies. And she really is a nice teacher who is caring towards her students. Margaret Tay my P6 form teacher, who retired after teaching my class. The one who bought dates to class and noone ate it except me. #startofbeinggreedy Although I used to hate her (well who doesn't hate the person giving you the most homework), but she is nice compared to 6C's form teacher. And she is my brownie teacher who taught me so much about guiding. I remember tying knots to the chair legs in class. And the following year, She was driving this car alongside me with my primary school principal, while I was walking home from Cai Er's house. She remembers me and both of them said hi to me! #touched 

But me being me I am shy and not outgoing. So I kinda resented the fact that the teachers remember me. Ohwell some teachers I wished they remember me, but those are often the ones who are popular teachers so they have loads of students. 

Ah schooling days. Really miss those days :')

Secrets

This post won't be divulging any secrets. Well at least not my secrets. HAHA.

Some things are better kept unknown, especially if you know that it can ruin a person's reputation, and how everyone will eventually look at the person when the secret is made known. People can be very judgemental, and pounce on the earliest chance to expose and defame the person. I think I am gifted in the sense that I can see pass a person's facade, and usually what made them. I like to know a person's past, how it affects the present, and how the future might be like. What makes a person tick, what life had put them through. I tend to think that everyone has a reason why they are the way they are, and besides, there is a reason behind everything. People aren't just bitchy for a reason. There is something that they need, and the person is unable to cope with it, henceforth putting through expectations to those around them, as a form of venting frustrations.

Back to secrets. I admit I have my own ways of stalking people. (Oops) but nothing beats actually talking to the person directly and asking straight up what you want to know. I can see into your past, and know what are your likes and dislikes. I listen to what the people around knows about you, matches them to what I already know, and derive at my own conclusions of why you are behaving in certain ways and your insecurities. With all the advancement of social media, it's really hard to keep a completely clean record of all that you have been through. (Unless you are me, relatively you don't have much of a thing to pick on hehe). Everything is nice on the outside and may not be that fantastic on the inside.

And the judgements. Secrets are kept because humans are afraid of people using their exposed disadvantages to place incorrect judgements on themselves. Feed them an information not to your favour, and everything that you do wrongly will be because you are so and so. And then these incorrect judgements will stick with you wherever you go. It's like that and it will be hard to shake off.

Another note to self: when I don't judge, doesn't mean others will not judge too. So I better keep some things to myself... Like erm partner's son because I just realised he may not like the whole world knowing that he is here because of certain special connections. Ahhhh it's bad when you know things and you cannot expose them :(

That's why it always sucks to keep secrets.

Sexting

http://www.artparasites.com/meet-me-offline-because-sexting-doesnt-turn-me-on-like-the-sound-of-your-voice/

Good read! 

Note to self, totally. 

I always get carried away with what happens online through instant messaging, and I will forget how I am supposed to talk to people. In real life. And more often than not, I can't speak coherent sentences. I can't make myself appeal to the opposite person, as much as my witty comments online can. I blabber nonsense, rather than the short and impactful messages I sent. 

If I have a boyfriend, I am definitely trying to go offline. Meet first, text later. At least I will not forget how well I hit off with the person physically. 

My new year resolution should be...

STOP GETTING NAGGED AT. 

At home kena nag. At work also kena nag. Everyday kena nag. Until I also immune liao la. Thats why its a vicious neverending cycle...

BUCK UP PLEASE

Year 2016!

Goodbye 2015 and hello 2016!! 

Actually, I don't really remembered what I did the whole year. Feels sooooo distant. I worked, I travelled, I studied, I got my first bonus, I made lots of new friends, I participated in activities. Yeah. I guess that's about all? HAHAHAHA. How uninteresting. 

Lets just do a shoutout to the new people I met then. To the several interns that came and went this year, hope I managed to help you in your first official workplace! To the NDP friends, I miss all the fun times together trying to handle the crowd!! Hope we still can gather and create nonsense pairings again! To my SQP friends, nice to know you and thank you for your guidance! To my new colleagues, 多多指教 and thank you for your patience with me! 

Looking forward to what year 2016 will bring! Hopefully a boyfriend AHAHAHAAHHAA. This is the only thing that is dependent on fate. Everything else will have to be my own ability, so I will have to keep working hard to excel!