Problems

I really dont know what happened between us, issit that we are becoming sour over each other now?

Am I too controlling? Tell me which girlfriend will like the boyfriend to still use Tinder to look at girls?! That is definitely one thing I really don’t like. Hello if we are official and you still wanna look at girls, then might as well just go date them and not look for me??

Thats rather screwed up. Now I lost faith in men. Again. Argh.

Indeed we need to talk. He is like blowing hot and cold on me now. I guess he really is confused and doesn’t exactly know what he wants? Physical intimacy I might not be able to give, physical body I can’t satisfy his wants either, character-wise we might make a rather good match, but did we really manage to connect that emotionally?

I just want someone who can give me his 100% and treat me well. Is that really very hard? I can do without some physical intimacy because foreplay is definitely not everything. Am I really that hard to  get along with? I am super serious about this relationship, with the thought of marriage in mind in fact. I feel he is someone who can be the father to my children, someone who really places family above all else.

We meet too much and thats a problem. Meet too little also potentially a problem.

Forget I said anything about meeting. Then i’m not gonna mert you until you make up your decision whether or not I am still worth it.

This shit is so upsetting. I am super affected by his words and his weird decisions. For a moment in the morning he happily says he can’t live without texting. Next moment he says he is going silent.

But I still hope his decision will be still to be with me... SIGH.

(Update)
He told me he has no intention of breaking off with me. YAY. I forgot what I am angry about! HAHAHAHA. -too easily satisfied-

Just he is going through a rough patch with many uncertainties about love and work I guess... which resulted in his emotional roller coaster.

Now I’m thinking, does he lack confidence in himself to make this relationship last? Hmmmmm.

I should lay the ground that we are in this for a real long term relationship.

Too hard too strong

Sorry I came on as too fast too hard and too strong 😞
I just wanted to give you a surprise because you had been feeling lousy at work, and I thought it will help. I just did some random googling and found out where you would appear, but once I saw the helplessness and disappointment in your eyes, I knew it was a wrong decision already.

Sigh I promise I will never ever do this again :(

Feeling super guilty, full of reproach, disappointed with myself, and wondering what the future holds. Relationships are really not a bed of roses; I am still figuring out myself. And with my clingy insecurity, its really really bad for both of us.

I am scared...

I’m trying to be normal, but its so hard after a little disagreement...

First Monthsary 25.12.17

Today is the first monthsary with Ryan <3 HAPPY DAY TODAY!

First we went Henderson wave & Hort Park, then Harbourfront Centre for Koi, then trained down to stadium for ice skating, cycled to MBS then walked to Sushi express for dinner, then walked to Timbre for drinks before going home~

SUPER WELL SPENT DAY I LIKE SIAAAA. 

From 8am till 9pm~ 13 hours with Ryan 😍

Favourite thing to do is holding his hand and hugging him~ And he wrote me a message hehe. In return for my letter (:

Merry Christmas Jiayi!

It's been a smooth and exciting first month with you ❤️ Till now I wonder how did we manage to go official on the 4th date without any fanciful flowers, gifts or setting hehe. I don't even remember if I confessed.

I love how we are able to open up to each other so easily, how much we can tell each other thoughts and feelings, and how quickly I can forgive you each time I'm triggered by something you say or do hahahaha!

I'm sorry how many times I must have crossed your line, but I'm thankful and appreciative for your patience. Slowly but surely, you are guiding me back onto the socially acceptable path. Thank you for being around to support me at the recent  troughs of my first 14 months of my career, for I  am sure these experiences will build not just myself, but us both up. I'm also happy to be there to listen to your rants and problems. These tribulations will only strengthen our relationship, and my love and appreciation for you hehe!

The coming months won't be easy, and especially since our work schedules are going to step up to occupy more of our time. Quarrels and arguments will be making appearances in the coming months whether we like it or not, but I'm sure we will always have each other's best interests at heart at the end of the day🙆🏻‍♂️You'll continue be in my thoughts on days we don't meet hahaha! Here's to more fun, challenges to overcome and memories ahead!

Happy first month hehehehe ❤️

很爱很爱你 Ryan!~ 谢谢你所做的一切

And the first nonthsary letter i did: 

Rainbows~

Because ever since Ryan came into my life, I had already seen 2 rainbows. And today is the 3rd rainbow, which we finally saw together! <3 

Thanks Ryan for being the rainbow in my life! Love you so so much!

My supposed first monthsary message

So I wrote a first monthsary draft in the Notes on my phone, but I accidentally flashed it to Ryan, and he saw something with his name. Truthfully told him its a note meant for him, which I would give it to him on the 25th. He was so shocked and then told me not to go through the trouble.

On monday when we met at Jurong, he asked me why do I like him. I told him because he was very nice. But he didn’t look too satisfied with the answer, so I ended up showing him the note I wrote on my phone. He was indeed quite touched :)

I eventually did up another note, specially for the first monthsary card, which I finished doing it yesterday when I was on MC~

Here goes the first note; I will post up the pictures of the actual card after I give it to him <3

To Ryan,

Merry Christmas and Happy first month anniversary! ❤️

I really love how we are so comfortable with each other, sharing with each other about everything, how quickly we opened up to each other. It feels so good cuddling with you, kissing you, holding your hand. Thank you for the sacrifices you have made for me, I really appreciate every single moment of it. Thank you for being there for me; I promise I will always be there for you too~

I am the happiest when I am with you, running errands with you, walking aimlessly in circles, talking about the future. Its all these littlest actions that counts the most to me that makes me smile and my heart swell. 

Slowly but surely, I am falling in love with you. I love how you can give me the sense of stability, how you plan for our future together, how you are mostly similar to me in terms of thoughts and dreams and future. 

Thank you for doting on me, for giving in to me, for accepting me for who I am, for loving me. You are the greatest gift of my life <3

Here’s to our many many months more, many more firsts that we will share, until we grow old together~ 

I LOVE YOU RYAN! ❤️

With love,

Jia Yi 😘

Scrolling through the memories

I was trying to recall how much of an influence Kuam was in my texting style. And then I scrolled back and realised, she didn’t influence me at all. All along my texting style has always been a little on the crazy side, with my random CAPS. I guess all these dated back to the era of MSN days, when we just started poly I guess. 

And scrolling back to all my old blogposts, especially those during my poly days, the fun days of camps, the people whom I had fun with... All those memories suddenly flooded me. I am so glad I kept this blog alive, randomly blogging whatever I wanted to write, insane or not insane. 

AND THE BEST PART: I WROTE ABOUT A DREAM WHICH I HAD LONG AGO. And it is true in some extent LOL.  That dream was about some random not good looking guy (i wrote pimply to differentiate between the 2 guys, but now that I think back, he was just not flawless)  helping me, piggybacking me, keeping me away from accidents. AND I WROTE THAT THIS GUY IS FROM NTU AND NOT FROM MY COURSE. Just the random part about the kerb and the initial J didnt happen, but I dont think I even remembered that part correctly. 

AND GUESS WHAT. SOUNDS LIKE RYAN RIGHT. HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA. Mygod if it really was him, I SWEAR ITS FATE! :O 

(Just that fate maybe took a few years to come)

I SHOULD ASK HIM IF HE HAS ANY PULAU NTU GOOD FRIEND WHO IS QUITE GOOD LOOKING HMMMMMMM

Confession from Ryan on D1

Yessss I have gotten the text of it~ Realised that this is too precious not to save it somewhere properly, so here goes:

I feel like you're very self confident even in your own skin, and bubbly. That's what really attracted me. How we managed to click and get along within such a short time was what made me feel like we could go a Long way. That's why I asked if you would like to enter a committed relationship with me

And how you warmed up to me made me feel like I should let you know how I felt soon

So precious hor <3
Suddenly a lot of feels today and the overwhelming feelings for him hehe.

I EVEN STANDBY PREPARED MY FIRST MONTH ANNIVERSARY LOVE NOTE LIAO SIA!

Am I doing the right thing?

Am I giving too much of myself just for the pleasure of another? Is what I’m doing considered as crossing the line? Do I really want affection in this manner? 

I did draw my limits at least and I did declare the no go things. But are the things that I am currently doing enough? Or would he keep wanting more? He did reassure me that he will keep to his promises of the no go things. But would he? 

I am self doubting myself. Did I really cause myself to be in this mess? Do I really deserve this mess? Is this all I can do? Can I deserve better? 

Sigh. At least I know I have super good self control HAHA. Mind over matter y’know. 

First kiss!

OMG ISSIT TOO FAST. RYANNNN! Why like that!

These 2 days were my most eventful days of my life. First I got a date, then i got attached, then my first touches, first time holding hands, and then first time he touched my chest, and now first kiss <3

BUT LEGIT TOO FASTGAME TOO. We inseparable af once all the touching started. But thanks him for pei-ing me to study, for eating with me, for sharing all the stuff with me, for everything <3

These 2 days we progressed a little way too fast... But we just agreed on some limits after realising that the way things are progressing is not going too well. I’m so glad we actually agreed though! For now, parks to feed mosquitoes, public transport, boob touching are out of bounds to prevent unexpected accidents~

AND WHAT IS SO NICE ABOUT KISSING. Feels like wet fish. Or is he just not a good kisser. Whatever happened to those romantic scenes you see in the dramas. HAHAHAHA. According to him, practice makes perfect, soooooo lets try it out more. IN FUTURE I WILL TAKE THE LEAD. And achieve that best kiss ever according to what my novels say! Hmmph.

25/11/17

Fastest game ever. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Shit did i just accepted too quickly. Totally no sense of surprise or whatnot. CHEY. But then again I’m not following the usual trend of how things are supposed to go. Touchy touchy guy sia this oneeee. Non-existent boobs also want, belly fats also want. Still rub my calves and feet some more. 

Hopefully my first will be my last too (:

太感动了

感动到快哭了啦！

Ryan <3

今天在USS玩了一整天，晚上还一起去唱K！现在已过了12了。可是搭不到德士，价钱也好贵。我只是和Ryan诉苦，他还真的来Bugis+载我。

原来恋爱是这种滋味、太幸福了！

我确定我的选择是对的。虽然才短短的那一两个礼拜，我们以算是走的挺密切了、关系很好。重要的是，他很疼我，也看得出来的他真的喜欢我。我也是!

可是我还得克服那长相不是全部，人一定不能完美...

DILEMMA

Life’s biggest dilemma (at least for now):

SHOULD I ASK A GUY OUT FOR DINNER?

HAHAHAHAHAHA 

I AM SUCH A FASTGAME ASSHOLE. 

But eh guys you all can buck up not. Really so scared of rejection ah? I swear I would have asked a whole bunch of people out for lunch/dinner if I had wanted to. To me, desperate times calls for desperate measures, especially for this dinner-less girl with no homecooked food :(

Or why not can you invite me to eat at your house? I promise I will be good. I’ll be the nicest and most pleasant ever girl, the super supportive plate cleaner and dish finisher. 

The way into a guy’s heart is really food. Especially food that is as good as their own mum’s cooking~

Wrote this on 20 November, the night before my first date.
And yes I highkey hinted that I am dinner-less on Tuesday morning so he agreed to go out with me for dinner~ 

First official date

I scored myself my first official date~ (*^^*)

As usual my expectations never ever matched reality, but at least it wasn’t awkward. I forgot 171 is really not very tall HAHAHAHA. Me being me is sometimes too used to doing some things and I’m glad he accepted. 

Someone fill me in on what to or not to do on the first date... I had shared food with him, brushed past his arms so many times, sat so close to him too.

And yes he does like me. I can tell HAHAHAHA. -mind reader here- I think I do too... 

Feeling so bashful now coz its my first ever date. And he tells me I dont look like I have never dated before. Eh but means what. I look damn confident issit. 

While on the escalator he told me he will send me home next time. My face really froze with happiness too. Xiao touched sia. I’m usually the one who is always taking care of my friends. It does feel good that someone is taking care of me in return~

Xiao happy todayyyy

Thanks Ryannnnn!

I finally realised why I am single

Hi guys,

I finally realised why I am single! 

(But realising a fact doesn't mean I am anymore closer to getting attached)

There goes...

I get friendzoned by them! 

(Pretty sure I didn't friendzone them)

*slow claps for myself*

-fade out-

My Bane

Regardless of how well I keep my guard, how high my defences are stacked, and how hard I try to avoid them, my biggest bane is that I am too easily bought over by glib tongues and easily trusting of them. 

Especially when it comes to guys 0.o

I guess this reflects my desparate desires. For finances and friendships, I manage to avoid glib salesmen/friends very well. But if it comes to relationships, I just can't. As long as I am remotely even able to communicate with a person, then I will just go all out and end up kinda falling for them. 

-Which is why I end up falling for people I meet online and hardly for those I meet IRL-

-Everyone I liked are formed through lengthy (and late night) whatsapp/msn convos- 

Even when things do not work out all the time. And its actually the guy who wants to achieve some other motive other than actually being in a long term relationship with me. 

Am I even wanted by any of them? But then again there's no harm trying too? A relationship is formed only when both parties have something to take away from it at he end of the day. Am I even able to give anything? Is he able to give me that TLC and spend time with me? 

I swear this is harder than any exams out there -rolls eyes-

Self reminder: DO NOT let any guys cheat you to bed or play with your heart (＞人＜;)

Naggy

Parents nagging at me again 0.o

Over finding a boyfriend. HAHAHAHAHA. 

Ohwell I have a secret life y'know. Not like i'm not talking to any guys. -cough- 

If i get hitched then ITS GONNA BE A HUGE SURPRISE HOHO. 

I have that "I am not in love" face. But maybe secretly I am~ #justsayin

 I am a wood, expressionless with only joy. I don't confide in anyone so noone will ever know. This blog is still my best confidant. Anything else I will just consult myself because I don't need others to judge me and force upon their opinions on me. (I am not erica) #lifedecisions wont be that rash coz I am a rather rational person anyways. 

Now my aim is just to get a bf LOL.

September

Its not September now, but just some heartwarming summaries of what happened in September (:

Theres 3 friends who got attached in September... juwei, lijing and bern. JIANG SWEET HAHAHAHA. But erm lijing is expected, bern i know it will happen eventually, but JUWEI that is the shocking part. 

-coughs- Tinder/CMB is doing good work! (Idk if Bern's is from dating app la)

As for me... September was when i downloaded CMB and used it. Its still not working for me so far XD 

Coz some of the guys are a bit too scary, too off the bat, or something... and I only open the app like once in a day. Not a trustworthy app (because i'm scared of humans), but ok la there is 1 guy who I am still talking to as a friend la. He's abit crazy but coz we have similar interests and upbringing so its still fine. 

AND biggest takeaway of September for me might still be Jereld HAHAHA. But this guy is very hard to read, very emotional, very different from me... Ohwell lets just wait till December :) I hope we are still talking by then. -HUGS- for Jereld. Because I always have the feeling to make him less angst and emotional, but also knowing I cant do anything much because he prefers to be alone but not that alone (conflicting much), shrinks away when its too overwhelming. This is one person who needs a lot of patience, independence, pacifying. He is insecure, depressed, overachiever, perfectionist, but damn good with his words. Will I be able to break that barrier down? Or will I end up making him in a worser state than he currently is? I really dont know anymore...  

WHYYYY did i fall for him in September...

Lucky charm

I HAVE CONCLUDED: 

I BRING LUCK TO OTHERS AND NOT MUCH TO MYSELF. 

-maple reference-

Kthxbye

Me (demoralizing post ahead)

This post is going to be about all my bad points. Feeling insecure and unwanted now. That feeling that you are just the backup, that safety net thats usually not used. 

Ugly

Too tanned

Fat

Lazy

Unmotivated

Procrastinator

Self centred

Distant

Never a giver

Dreamer

Uncaring

Sarcastic

Quiet (introvert)

Unkempt

Loud

Sadistic (at times)

Ignorant

Blabbermouth

Unfeeling

Selfish

Bochup

I will never be someone's exclusive; anyone's one and only. I'll just go and build a great wall around me and not let anyone in... even though i love having people around, but I hardly manage to go beyond acquaintances with most people. I thrive on my friends who pull me out of the wall. But sometimes I wonder if they gave up in the end. I will always be that closed off unmarked territory. 

Feeling lousy with 2 hours of sleep, and work is not helping either 0.o 

"The hardest people to love, need it the most"

-nods head-

Let me try to give my outpouring love, positivity, care and concern to everyone else who needs it the most <3

Be it through small gestures, kind words, or a gentle question, let's all make this world a happier, stress-free place to live in~

-Full of positivity-

-Even CMB dates are surprised-

-sorry not sorry-

Maple BF

Because we set the date to get married in maple tonight LOLOL. Though its just for the apples that can be sold, and not for anything else XD

To Jereld,

Thank you for sharing all those things with me. You had a life full of battles, and you are still battling with your inner demons. Its because of you opening up first, thats why I'm able to share some personal stuff with you as well. You know, all those things I said, can only be found in my diaries and this no man's land blog. My friends who try to probe these information from me don't even know this. 

You have a lot of charms, but that approach on how you view people can be so negative... Its so painful to be lonely, without the warmth of your family while studying in US. But despite all the struggles you face, you never fail to help others, and even to reassure me that I will find someone who will appreciate me for who I am. Sometimes even bribing me with food for me to be a better person. 

I just want to say, THANK YOU. And don't give up on life. I will try to be there with you virtually, but there's only so much I can do. Please try to go out with your friends (guys or girls doesn't matter), stay strong, and you will definitely find someone who will love and encourage you as well! 

If only you were in Singapore, I would just get together with you, because there's hardly anyone I know whom I can make such connection with. I don't think you will want anymore LDR after the 2 relationships you had, thats why I know I can't date you either.  Let's see what happens after this December, and what happens 2 years later when you are back bah. I believe in fate, and we might each have found our respective ones even before that happens :) 

You are really such a great person and a good friend! Jinjja! Don't ever feel inferior and that you are not good enough for anyone~ 

-UPDATE- FRIENDZONED, AND I AM JUST A BRO PERHAPS. But he is still nice to talk to. Super annoying. Maple marriage has not yet happened either. I can still run while I can XD

Playing with fire

Playing with fire a bit too much? But its fun though :( 

And furthermore I know they are definitely not Mr Right, confirm will get backlashed if anything happens. But all I need is just a soulmate, not someone fanciful or rich. It just so happens that my taste in guys are not the super responsible mature adults thats all. Kinda like me. 

Reasons why I miss late night convo, where we both can "pour" our hearts out.

Adulting is hard. Why cant life be simple?

 Good night world. Its nice to find guys to chat to anyway :x 

Date #3

Because why not just use the same title as my previous post about him :P

Nakhon date at Holland V, but its really just a short dinner catch-up. 

He has inferiority complex :x Because he is short HAHAHAHAHA. Ok jokes aside, but erm how else do u explain him trying to stand on the kerb while I stand on the road? And he was being lapsup since its near his house, so he wore slippers. Maybe bad choice coz shoes actually helps to add that few cm of height... 

We had been consistently texting almost everyday since the last meetup la. Confirm he has finally got over his ex and now ready to find a new one. Not that I asked him about it, but i think i am rather good at guessing. 

Can kinda tell what kinda person he is from the way he eats. You know my plate is always clean coz I like to finish what I started, but his is just not clean at all. Shows he gives up easily, lack willpower and motivation, a bit wasteful, but at least he doesn't force himself to do things he don't like. Funny part about today is how he ordered extra white rice, but realised he was damn full before the rice came hahaha. Epic. 

But he is feeling demoralised now because he lacks a purpose in life. I can't phrase it nicely in spoken words, but here goes: 

You don't actually find purpose. Purpose comes to you when you learn to enjoy what you do, when you have a long term goal on what you want to achieve. Perhaps you were not looking for purpose, but rather what makes you happy. In life, there's always some offset. You can't be happy and living a 100% meaningful life all the time. If there are no ups and downs in life, your life would be super boring. Most people never end up in what they like to do, for practicality reasons. The best alternative is to work in something manageable, then spend time to do the things you like. Look through your photos, you will find that the things you treasure most has the most pictures. 

I miss 3am conversations...

https://www.scoopwhoop.com/importance-of-3-am-conversations/#F.rfvp40ssb

NDP17

I think I am still in a state of shock over this. I.got.chosen.as.SOIC. :O

Not just any sector SOIC. But VIP SOIC :O :o :O

This just proves another of my intuition correct. When I was applying for NDP, I got the feeling that I might be selected as SOIC even before interview. I read the signs, read the patterns, and kinda guessed it might be me. Although secretly I hoped that it won't be me, since it is just gonna be Naveen and the YPC.  Lo and behold, when the results were announced on Saturday, I wasn't that shcoked to see my face on the screen. 

But I was definitely shocked that I am finally going to do the VIP sector. Thats the sector which I know the least about. The sector which I have always considered as "atas" since its the only air-conditioned area. Hardly anyone I know had been a VIP sector volunteer before. Furthermore, its the only(?) sector without a YPC in charge. :O

What with the sudden change in the groupings after lunch, made me feel so sad that I am leaving the hyper group (hey that morning has bonded us well; everyone was so outspoken!). And put us in a group, plenty of new faces, which we later found out were all first timers. My new group is full of interesting people. I really do look forward to see what kinda sparks can be created. 

With greater power comes greater responsibilities... I'm so worried about myself. How am I going to pull through all these commitments?! It has always been work, studies, and then now its quadruple the workload for NDP. I really wonder how can I survive this. Naveen has forewarned me that being an SOIC would be plenty of time burned. Late nights, early mornings, extra meetings, many planning to do... sigh. 

Even though the whirldwind hasn't started, but I need to prepare myself to embrace all these things which are coming at me head-on. Advance thank yous to Naveen, Jessica, and Mui Teng. I know 3 of you would be super duper important on deployment days and SOIC meetings. There will be even more people whom I would need to thank when the whole thing is over, but for now these people have already offered me the help. Especially going to thank Naveen, because he offered to tank all the meetings and planning, since I need to work and everything... :') 

Lets all be strong, join forces and get through this! =(^.^)=

Date #2

2 years since we met, he hasn't changed and I haven't changed either. But really thanks him a lot for asking me out. I kinda guess this would be the last ever meeting between both of us. Highly doubt things will work out. 

Its a short day meetup today at Caldecott Broadcast Centre for Singapore Heritage Fest, and the events and lineup were ragher boring. Moreover I didn't have that much to talk to him about... its school work and back to school topics. 

Although the day was far from being perfect, but I am glad I got to meet him. I know that I am completely over him, and he is too. I'm so sorry for being a burden, eating at my insanely slow speed, and maybe even missing out on social cues that he desperately wanted to leave. Eye contact was good at the start but started to falter further and further away, especially when we had reasons notnto look at each other when we were walking. 

Thanks for giving me the closure I needed. I don't think we will meet tmr for the movie, and we might not even see each other for a long time. No pictures today; I guess we don't really like each other that much. 

Thanks for being the first ever guy to ask me out on a date (anything that is not in a group constitutes as a date). I know we are both single and super available, but that spark is just not there and the interest is not there either. I will hang on to these memories for as long as I can remember~ :')

*inserts Deep in thought emoji*

So what made me write this post... Because i need to write some gossip!! Ohwell not like anyone sees this so i'm safe here hehe. 

It all started off with this message from lijing...

And THAT totally set me thinking. Who is next?

The possibe list of guys start flashing in mind, probably someone whom I have known for many years, and maybe its the someone who once told me that he liked lijing... Of course my radar picked up and I tried to probe further about who it was, and whether I know him. And of course she shunned it by saying which of her crushes did I ever knew on a personal level. 

Then came this message. 

Now who will bring his future gf to hang out with "US". "US" meaning the clique, and this is part of the group convo, so I am most likely belonging in the "US" as well. And that "future gf" in question might be part of that clique all along. 

Last clue would be this message:

Guess who is the crush? 

Tadahhhh I'm guessing its KK!~ 

And I am the possible candidate (a very not intimidating one) of being the "love rival"! But in fact I am all for shipping KK and lijing, since I kinda feel they have been 暧昧 for yearsssss, with none of them ever facing the courage to tell it to each other. Like a tom and jerry kind of chasing each orher around a bush. 

I really don't have anything to do with KK. He is just a good friend whose life is rather interconnected with me. Back in the poly years, he was just the "boyfriend" of another close poly friend (lasted less than 6 months Shhhhh). I think it was through MSN or something, that he confessed he liked lijing? Or was it something along the lines that he liked girls who are petite, rather vocal etc? Coz the ex and lijing are plenty much similar. Even just with their names. Hehehe

Of course lijing is not going to divulge any further. I have always had this nagging thought everytime when I talk to KK, to ask him whether he still likes lijing. But I never messaged him beyond our gatherings, and never had a chance to personally ask him that face to face, since we were always in a clique. 

During one of the gatherings, Erica forced him to divulge about his love interests. There was this korean girl, exchange school mate, etc. But what really is memorable for me, is the 3rd or 4th person whom he avoided mentioning, sounded like lijing's traits. Now that I think of it, that gathering happened early in the year (before CNY), which possibly meant Erica might already know of lijing's feelings of him, and were just testing water. [oh and I really hate Erica's and lijing's push pull dating methods. Too much of testing whether the guy likes you, and so little 感情 and 冲动 in it. 苦了自己，苦了大家]

At this rate they are going, will KK ever get lijing? None of them are going to take the first move. Do you think if I should open up the topic and force it upon them? I am on KK's side on this. Definitely will respect his decision.

 But if it had been forced upon, they will never be happy and the friendship will be broken. Which means it is a really tough choice... 

Back to the starting point. It's best to follow with the flow of nature and fate. Let's just see how it goes, and wish them the best of luck in whatever the decision!~ 

Gut feel

Its the year of the chicken (rooster)! Today is the 4th day of the new lunar year!~ 

Nowadays my gut feeling quite strong and zhun. It scares me sometimes. Like 初二 when I was playing mahjong, i had a passing thought that I will get a 一条， but I dismissed it and threw away my 二条. And lo and behold, the next turn I got a 一条. Otherwise I could have won that round. 

My gut tells me to play more mahjong, so I have been asking people to play mahjong with me, but they have been rejecting me 0.o And based on 初二 mahjong with the cousins, my luck was not too bad since I hardly manage to game in the past. I only lost like $1.20, very willingly to Yida. But that last round I could have almost won, with 半色 and 满台. Ohwells it wasn't all too bad. 

I still wanna play more though! 

At this rate of my gut feel working its magic, I hope that feeling comes back again when I meet my Mr Right. Then only I know that he is right. And then I can work towards it. For now, I am pretty sure that Mr Right has not appeared. I sincerely hope it happens this year! With me being so tired of being single...

Anyone has intros? Or recommendations to how I can look for the one? Like Tinder or Paktor?! Will NDP work its magic again? Or the surewin situation will be to try all.

Dayum its going to be another hard year. For now lets just pray for 工作顺利， 身体健康， 有缘人再相见 ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ

2017 first thoughts

Its officially 2017! And if I dig up my last year's new year resolutions, I am pretty sure I haven't accomplished a single one! 

Acquaintances (aka FB friends and mutual friends) are doing good deeds, going far in their jobs, falling in love, getting married, travelling the world, BFFs... basically embracing their lives at their finest. Meanwhile, sourgrape me will identify myself the most with the lonely memes and #ForeverAlone club. 

Getting more and more pessimistic about life, that I no longer know what I need to continue life with. I need more purpose, and I want that purpose to be my better half, but then again to find my better half I need to get myself out of this fix first. And to get out of this fix I need time. And lots of re-learning to do. And a lot more encouragement and motivation. Which I can't seem to find around. So vicious cycle and back to a square one. 

Not wanting to be this sour, but I guess everyone's lives will spin at different speeds~ People come and go, but I don't seem to cherish them enough and many left me for good. Ohwell, to each their own and may everyone's dreams come true! 

(This is not a suicidal post; its just a rant-ful sourish post, from the no-purpose me)

Maybe I should quit social media, since that's where my source of sourness comes from hmmmm... 

Edit: I realised the only new year resolution I wrote last year was to stop being nagged at, and true enough I still get nagged XD

Placebo yo. Nothing changed. This is really bad.